An Invisible Battle

I found my way back to this site, over 3 years since my first and only post. It’s been so long I had forgotten I even made an account. And how disheartening it was to have the realization that in many ways, I am no better now than I was then. The stigma that is still around mental health leads people to believe that these conditions are just something one can “get over”. That surrounding yourself with loved ones, exercising, getting a pet, etc., will “cheer you up”. I stand as one of so very many examples that this is not the case. Though I am still young, I have battled depression and suicidal tendencies since I was small. I have never been formally diagnosed, due to my staunch refusal to seek help for my own reasons. I now regret that decision, and can only wonder what could have been for me if I had. The mental health care system is undeniably flawed, but perhaps even the slightest amount of assistance would have done me some good. As it is, I feel as though I have dug my own grave and I’ve been lying in it waiting to die for a long time. I am so very, very tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Like I’ve spent years fighting an invisible battle that nobody but me can see. That nobody understands when I desperately attempt to explain. That everyone judges me for, because they can’t see my scars. This has left me drained, and in total fear. I am afraid, because I am getting too weak to hold myself together, too fatigued to wear my mask, and too tired to resist the terrible urges to end this pain. I have fought alone for so long that I have completely exhausted my ability to cope. And so now I live in terror, trapped in the grave I dug, too weak to claw my way back up, in too much pain to resist the allure of death. To all those out there fighting the same invisible battle, know that even though I don’t know you, I care about you. And I’d fight right there beside you, because I know how much it hurts to do it alone. I am with you in this, even if you can’t see me. Nobody should have to fight alone.