I was up all night, feeling like the worst person ever. And why? Because I’ve lost my SS card and birth certificate. I was/ am mad because I had had it in a box, sorted that box and now, poof! Lost them!
I am going to be okay. I always am. I even called my crisis line and told them all my problems and all about how I was going to fix them. I must be superman. Well, superwoman. But ya know…
All the negative feelings are from long ago. So sad inside. Hurting so much and nobody, I mean nobody knows in my family. My friends know but they don’t know the extent. It is like little pretend girl is sitting on the front steps, waiting for someone to come for her, tell her she is okay. Go to sleep, they would say. You are safe now. Hush, slllleeeep.
But there is no one. There is no little Pretend girl. She grew up long ago but left her pain for me to deal with and I don’t think I can.
I will… I will but I am so tired. Can’t I escape into sleep again?
1 comment
Argh I lost my ss card & birth certificate too, years ago. I remember putting them in a really safe place, thinking to myself “nobody will ever find it here”. And well, I was right. Nobody, not even me :/
Anyway, it sucks to be the broken little kid with no comfort, doesn’t it? I really like the way you put it: “She grew up long ago but left her pain for me to deal with”. Just last week I went to a museum exhibit about the human brain and saw a diagram of how neurons develop. Apparently like 90% of your brain neurons develop before you’re 5 years old, or something like that. And it made me think, wow, so your childhood determines everything about you, not just emotionally but physically. So if the pretend girl was abandoned on the steps with no one to comfort her, that restless feeling is going to be a part of you forever. It can’t be as bleak as all that, can it? As for sleep, I guess we’re just supposed to struggle until we pass out from exhaustion. Well, from a fellow insomniac kid, I hope sooner or later you have sweet dreams 🙂