I don’t use this shit really but in the past week or so shits been really fucked and I just want to write this all down somewhere because it’s all bottled up in my head. For the past two years nothing anybody says or does to me affects me. Whether it’s good or bad I’m indifferent. I’ve heard it all. If someone told me I should kill myself it wouldn’t affect me because I’ll be doing just that soon enough, and there’s nothing that could change my mind about killing myself. Nothing anyone can do or say that will make me suddenly think living is a good idea. If someone were to try to convince me not to kill myself I’d just feel bad that they wasted their time honestly. I legit feel like I don’t even have emotions anymore. I have as much personality as a blank sheet of paper. I don’t find anything worth talking about anymore. I don’t speak at all to anyone anymore. I only talk to my cousin who I used to be close with just online every once in a while but we barely ever talk. There’s nothing that scares me anymore. I respect “bullies” in a way because they have confidence, power, and strength. I have nothing stopping me if I wanted to confront them or stand up for myself because I have nothing to lose. As fucked up as it may sound I kind of would like to get beat up just to feel something. I don’t have a reaction to anything. Nothing surprises me anymore. Ever since I first figured suicide is the only rational answer I just have this mentality of “this is my last day” and “it doesn’t matter what happens today because you’ll be dead soon enough”. After having specific plans for over a year it’s recently become apparent that shit isn’t going the way I planned. These sheep I live with view my dog and myself as outcasts and want us both gone. I have the money to get my dog put to sleep but now that I’m actually doing something mature and selfless (putting my dog out of his misery because these assholes obviously want him to suffer) those POS’s won’t allow me get him put down even though they want to just drop him off at a shelter heartlessly. It pisses me the fuck off my dog is the only thing I truly care about and he doesn’t deserve to suffer he doesn’t even deserve to die but that’s his destiny eventually. The whole point of life is to procreate and die. Some people try to make it more than it simply is and that’s fine but they shouldn’t be so shocked when people die. That’s what life is. I’m under age and can’t take my dog myself and it’s selfish but I can’t wait more years to do this. So a couple of days ago I was planning to finally take my life and I fucked up my knee to the point that I can’t walk on it. I have to fucking walk to the destination in order to go through with my original plans so I guess that’s fucked. Now I have to resort to other shit that will take longer or I can hobble on down… I don’t fucking know but all I can say is I don’t want to see tomorrow. I really fucking don’t.
2 comments
If I may ask, why don’t you want to see tomorrow anymore? You’ve told me a bit about your personality and personal situation, but you didn’t mention what really has got you down and wanting to take your own life.
Look around in your area for rescue groups that have no kill policies that can take your dog in and will foster it until they can find a permanent home for it. There usually are many and some are breed specific. I agree your dog shouldn’t suffer needlessly and if the people around you won’t care for it then you must try to find an alternative solution … putting it down is also not an option the dog deserves – it did nothing wrong and you, like it or not, took on the responsibility to care for your dog. It is a life and it doesn’t deserve to be discarded for convenience. I know your pain as I have several dogs that are pretty much the sole reason I remain on the mortal plane (alive). I made that commitment – I OWE it to them to fulfill it, as do you. Additionally, if you do decide to put your dog down, it MUST be humanely – this is paramount, it’s bad enough that the dog doesn’t deserve to suffer and/or die but if that’s what it MUST come to, it HAS to be done humanely.
Personally, I’d opt (as I have) to stick it out for the sake of my 3 mutts – I value their well being and quality of life far and above my own and thus will gladly suffer for them – and it’s clear to me they are grateful. I wish you well and I hope you can find the will to stick it out, if only for the sake of your dog’s well being … perhaps along the way you’ll find your own reasons to continue – I hope you do.
guard dawg