My life, Chapter 1 (age zero to 5)

I was scrolling though my calendar on my iPad, remembering dates. As I scrolled it seemed like life flashed before my eyes. Where did I go wrong? I have a great memory so I looked at all the months of my life (December 1983 till now) and counted the good times and bad.

I heard my first two years of my life was very chaotic. I don’t think I have any memories at all back then. My parents got divorced when I was two.

One of my first memories as a child was in the summer of 1986. My mother (who is a psychopath herself) was fighting with her abusive boyfriend. Both where hitting each other. I remember looking towards the window crying for my aunt Carla. Her boyfriend physically abused me as well. putting panty hose over his head and jumping out to scare me, shoving dog crap into my face, and hitting me. He even threw me on the bed and threw my biomom on top of me. One time I remember getting drove to his house and I was terrified and I didn’t know why. Who knows what else happened that I don’t remember. My father, who I no longer speak to, picked me up form her boyfriends house and he chased us with a hatchet. I grew really attached to my grandma and grandpa during that time. That made biomom really jealous. That relationship with her abuser lasted 3 months.

my biomom finally got away from him but also used her escape as a tool to try and get me away from my grandma and grandpa. I don’t remember this part, but one day biomom rushed into my grandma and grandpas house and snatched me up. I was kicking and screaming in utter fear. The next memory I had was in a hotel room, terrified and crying. I remember wiping a booger on my grey suitcase feeling confused. She took me to Indiana, about a 6 hour drive away from were I lived previously. My grandma, grandpa, and dad were in a panic for months because they didn’t know where I was. I felt trapped. All things that were familiar to me were now gone with no explanation.

Living in Indiana for 8 months was pure hell. I was confused and felt sad and lost all the time. I remember having an abusive babysitter there to watch me when biomom went to work. Onetime I clearly remember sitting at the babysitters table, with my little denim jacket next to me with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. For some reason I can remember the interior of that kitchen as if I just visited it. I set there and started crying for my mawmaw and pawpaw. She got in my face, screaming at me and then slapped the shit out of me as hard as she could. Her name was Kay Day and the ***** still lives in Anderson Indiana.

My first positive memories about Indiana, I guess if you could call it that, was when my biodad moved in that winter. I felt safe with him there at the time. I remember a good Christmas. I finally got to go back to live with my grandma and grandpa soon after that in early 1987. I remember my grandpa holding me in the front seat as biodad drove home. I don’t remember actually getting to my house but my grandma said I was so happy, telling her all the stuff I remembered in the house.

then I started to tell everyone a very disturbing story the same day I got back home (didn’t here about this until I was 16 and didn’t remember saying anything when I got back home at age 3). I told everyone my mom “showed me her bean and it was small”. Im guessing that was her clitoris. Then I continued on saying “boy did it stink, then i jumped right on it”. Everyone was shocked so they called the child abuse hotline and couldn’t find anything to prove that anything happened and I could have accidently seen porn. Yeah I don’t think so. Looking back I never remember my biomom sexually abusing me so I wonder if it was Kay Day the babysitter and I got things messed up.

My aunt, grandma, and grandpa noticed that when I got back I changed drastically. They said before Indiana I was more happy and relaxed, then when I got home I was a very scared, distant, and hyper child who couldn’t focus. When I was outside I would run in the house everytime a car drove by thinking I’d be kidnapped. I did have some good memories between age 4 and 5 such as my grandpa taking me on wagon rides and going to my aunts house for jello. I lived with them until I started kindergarten……then my nightmares begin again.

You think all that’s bad? Wait until you read about the rest of my  childhood and adulthood. I already typed a lot and running out of steam. I’ll continue my story later and then you will understand why I believe that life does not matter and that I must take my life.