i think i know how

I have read The Peaceful Pill and I think I know how I’d like to go. I won’t post it but knowing the how somehow gives me a slight sense of peace in amongst all the chaos.

A very small part of me tells me to keep going, struggle on. A mountainous part of me however speaks to the contrary telling me that my struggle has been long (and it has) with no hope of living any sort of life away from the angst that consumes me. I have posted before parts of my struggles. They don’t begin to explain the war that exists inside of me; my fears, pain, angst, self-doubt, anxieties, anger consume me to points of lacking functionality to a point of paralysis.

Abuse growing up can lead to a cataclysm of states of mind for the abused. You can take a person (or child) away from the abuse.   You never take the abuse (experienced) out of the person (or child).

Abuse can take the forms of many different monsters, the monsters stay with the  abused and manifest themselves into different forms forever taunting, never releasing their grasp. Counselling and therapy doesn’t take the monster away, no. Only you know the monsters for they remain elusive in their transformed forms, out of sight for all but only one to see: You. For only You can see them, or at the very least feel them; you know that they are there waiting. You gain strength; they wait and remain strong. You grow weak trying to stay strong.  They do not grow tired for they are well at ease.  If not for anything, the monsters keep you company; you are never truly alone.

It brings me comfort knowledge that my monsters will be silenced someday. I brings me comfort knowing too that what I intend to meet my demise.