Just now getting the chance to read your comments and they were very very beneficial to my circumstances, I feel that I need to do it for some reason. I guess to prove a point that just resulted in me throwing up in two of my classes. This website has been a safety net for me since I first found it, even though I just started posting on it. Ive been up here for a while, just lurking in the shadows but it feels like I actuallly have a voice and people take the time to listen to what I have to say. Even though the odds of us all meeting are very much slim, I consider you my family. You take the time to reach out to each other and to try understanding what the person next to you is going through. If only people in the real world were actually like this instead of just through an computer screen or phone screen. I love you all.
Alone in my room. Seclusion of my mind. Distortion of my life.
Emptiness surrounding me. Darkness shrinking proximity. Sanity is slowly progressing towards the farthest realms away from me. Out of my grip.
The sun is warm. The moon is pale. Rain is moving in.
Another form of discontented absolution. I pray to never feel the warmth of the sun and its lies. I pray to never understand the darkness and the truth it’s proving.
I’m straddled on a chair. The rope is synced to a sturdy place. The rope around my neck shows comfort and truth. Soon I will join the ranks of fallen.
I have been up until now working in realism, but really fantasy is my comfort zone some nights.
This is “the blush of dawn”.
Love yourself, be kind.
If only I could meet her now…
A girl that see’s me for my troubles and doubts.
Someone willing to reach out their hand to me, help me out of this mess.
I’ve created it for myself, this world of hurt I call my life.
So far any sort of opportunity or chance at redemption has never come my way.
I fight alone, and sure I got friends but when I need them the most…they’re never there.
Can’t tell you how many times I dream of a life where I’m happy.
No shit too, I’ll have dreams where I am with her again.
But she’s always out of my reach.
No matter what I do, my dream ends when she’s finally gone.
Can’t someone just stay in my life for once?
Can’t someone just put there trust in me that I’ll never leave?
When I ask these questions, I seem to end up asking whether or not it’s all my fault.
Yes…I don’t trust easily
Yes…I don’t have much faith in friends and family anymore.
Yes…I hate myself in and out.
But where does it come from?
Is it because I want to give myself a reason to die, or do I genuinely want a good life?
Who the fuck knows, those are the deepest questions about me that I can’t seem to answer.
I need help figuring that out, I want a love like I had before.
I’m waiting for the day that I can find that love again.
4 and a half years is a long time to be without the comfort of another person.
I feel isolated, I feel unwanted, I feel useless.
I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Next new piece, which is outside my comfort zone for a few reasons:
1. I’m not comfortable writing for guitar, so I tend to avoid it. But here it is.
2. Lately I’ve tended to avoid wide-open pieces with simple instrumentation. But this has just three instruments: Acoustic guitar, Electric bass, and Piano.
3. It has almost a country/western feel, which is definitely NOT my favorite genre.
4. It’s peaceful and calm, which is an odd thing for me to write these days. Lately I’d gravitated more toward things which reflected angst and panic.
It’s called “Singularity”.
What do you say to comfort someone that recently lost someone in their family?
Not just by suicide, but by all types of death. No one I know has lost someone recently, but this question has been floating around my head, and I don’t believe in coincidences.
I’ve never lost anyone, so I have no clue what to say
I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression and suicidal thoughts went away but it’s been an uphill battle and I don’t know how much more of a beating I can take. I quit all my meds (abilify, lithium, seroquel) because I was a zombie and the lithium gave me tremors (very bad in my line of work). Also I used to take great comfort in writing but couldn’t do it on the meds. Anyway, since quitting my meds I’m nauseous a lot and suffer from anxiety. I am trying to start a new career but I keep blowing it at interviews due to feeling sick and anxious. I took a Xanax today which is the only reason I am even able to write this. I have two big interviews next week and I’m praying I don’t fuck up. I really need a job. I used to want to kill myself because I felt like a failure for not marrying and having kids, and I felt like I had no reason to go on living. Also afraid of growing old alone with no 401k etc. I relate to everyone on here because I’ve been through too much to write here. Now I want to die to keep from being homeless. I know I am rambling. Sorry for that. Even if no one reads this at least I got it off my chest. To anyone reading, thanks for listening to my boring ramble.
Heaven’s a possibility.
So is hell.
And so is reincarnation.
So is blackness, and so is every other theory that could be considered a theory.
When people talk about the afterlife, they tend to assume things, but what’s the point? We don’t know anything about the afterlife. The chances that heaven exists are equal to the chances that we’ll come back as Ikea employees. Just because the heaven theory is more popular, doesn’t mean it’s more right.
If you flip a fair coin a thousand times, and it always lands on heads, that doesn’t make the chances of it landing on tails any less likely. Does it?
So why do people even bother thinking about the afterlife? Does it give them comfort? As a sufferer from depression, of course I’ve thought about what’ll happen after I ever commit suicide, but about a month ago, I’ve realised it’s sort of pointless.
We have such little evidence for what happens after death. Our guesses for the afterlife aren’t even slightly controlled. Sure, we could hope for something, but the chances for any theory we have on the afterlife could quite possibly be some of the smallest chances we’re aware of, so isn’t hope a little futile?
Keep in mind, this idea of mine is fairly new and not very developed. I’ve been posting some of my other thoughts previously and I’ve been loving the responses I’m getting, so I thought I could quite possibly try handing over the reins on this one just to see how you guys all mould my ‘afterlife’ thoughts into something better. I suppose I just want to see how this goes.
Love, From, the Midnightcrisis.
Until next time.
I really haven’t got the strength to carry on my life has fell apart I’m depressed and so anxious I don’t really leave the house and to make things even worst I’m puting on weight because I’m comfort eating I really don’t know what to do I should have just killed myself last year iv just pro longed my pain and suffering
to keep it brief, it’s been rough lately, and busy to the point where I cry from exhaustion when I’m not crying out of fear or desolation. Monday was the first time I’ve talked to my school counsellor, and I think I’ve found a safe place to absorb a little comfort. Confidentiality only goes so far, and if I tell him I’m suicidal he may be obliged to call my parents, but if I don’t tell him I doubt he could help me.
I sincerely hope you’re all doing okay.
Hey guys… long time no see. It’s been months since I’ve been on here…. months spent thinking. Thinking that I was getting better. Thinking that the old Sam was gone. The one whose depression conquered her on a daily basis. The one who ran to her knife for comfort. The one who never knew what a nigt in peace was like.
So damn mother fucking wrong.
Hahahaha life is a cruel joke my loves. It wants you to live but gives you all the cards to die. I hope you are all doing better than me. I hope to see some familiar faces on here soon… I hope I hope I hope for a better future for us all. I’m going to go cut because it’s all I think about… hope you’re all doing okay 🙂
Hope everyone has been doing as well as can be, and I was just wondering if I could get some input about my recent thoughts/behaviors.
So as with most users on this site, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and desires for a long time. Many of us even keep a possible means close by or have it recorded how/where we might get it. But my question is, where does the comfort/ideation of killing yourself turn into reality?
I’m not scared of dying, but at the same time, my mind getting my hopes up and then not having anything happening is also very tiring.
My situation is that I have a gun, something I’ve had in my possession for a while. It comforted me. Having it, feeling it, knowing it was there brought me a great sense of comfort and got me through another day telling me “if you really cannot cope, I’m here”.
Recently, the past week or so, my desire to die feels like it’s been getting stronger. But it’s hard to tell when you’re constantly day dreaming about it. But the past few nights, I’ve been heading out to the beach with my gun with the hopes that I would pull the trigger (never quite the confidence, but the strong hope) because that is where I would like to die someday. And when I end up returning, it’s always with a heavy heart and a hate that I was too weak, and that tomorrow has to come. But hey, I’m still here today!
Anyway, if anyone made it this far, my question to you is, in your opinion, from your own experiences, or whatnot, should I be worried that this means I am getting closer to actually acting? Or should I just accept it as another form of fantasizing that we all have to help us cope?
Wondering what to think in order to fall asleep. Can’t tell if everything is lost in cacophony or if there isn’t anything to begin with. Both are worrying. Vacillating between wanting quiet and dreading it.
I suppose there are thing I want stopped and things I want ended, and neither thought yields any comfort. I’m not even sure this is comforting, it’s just something.
I woke up this morning seeing the bright light from the sun.It was 11:11 am,I must’ve drink too much alcohol last night that I feel a lil’bit tipsy this morning.I was talking to a friend in which I have lied about something,still,she can’t decide if she’s going to stay or not I think I deserve it anyway.I lied to people who cared and accepted me.Im a bullshit.She might stay or not,nothing will change I’m still going to be free on Feb 1,in the arms of death I’ll find comfort.
I learned how to manipulate my own emotions when I was really young, and to comfort myself I deliberately attached importance to an object or a person. Convinced myself that each time I saw that thing I would be comforted. It works for me, especially if the object is a trustworthy person who will understand if I get too clingy.
There’s relief when I’m with him, real, intense relief. But in his absence I feel restless, sad. I miss having friends to lean on. I think I’ve driven them all away.
I have come to the conclusion that life is some sick experimental scheme that we can curtail by refraining from reproduction . By walking hand in hand into the beautiful glare of oblivion and hence opting out of this Raw deal. Imagine the unfairness of yanking an innocent soul from the comfort of oblivion and casting it into this painful thresher called life. If you have Kids, love them. If you don’t have them, please just be kind enough not bring them into this sick world.
I think that I’m really not cut out for life.When I think of my future, I see myself alone. Not because that I suck at doing stuff but because of my anxiety. I am always scared to do things out of my comfort zone, I panic fast, I get angry in little time, I speak before I think and that I am a pessimist. I unknowingly ruin relationships with other people because of these. I wonder if I can get life through with this. I have put all my efforts in changing myself, even just one step at a time but still to no avail, I can’t change. Maybe its because of the people that surrounds me here at home that I can’t change. Well if I can just get out of this place I might be happy or somewhat. I dunno. I hate this feeling. If I’m not anxious, well I’am depressed and vice versa.
Don’t worry, won’t even dare think to go to the ropes since I’m biased to the fact that I view suicide as a selfish act.
Me and my mom are suffering from various psychological disorders like – anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), etc.
I have learnt a lot about these diseases on the internet and at least I got some idea of how to cope with these disorders.
But my mother.. she does not have any access to the internet, nor does she have any knowledge of the disorders she is suffering from, and hence she is helpless.
I know I should talk to her regarding the disorders and comfort her. But I really don’t know where to start and most importantly, I don’t know what the consequences would be.. She is suffering from these chronic disorders since a long time. She pretends to be normal from outside but I know she has a lot of trouble getting through life. I really want to help her but don’t know how. I really feel guilty because, even if I know exactly what her condition is, I am not being helpful..
Any piece of advice would be really appreciated.
I don’t think I’ve felt complete in years. All there. Like something gnawing at my brain — chewing on it. A hamster or a rat just munching away bit by torturous bit. Like watching a horror movie where everyone dies at the end — you know — but you have to watch them die one by one. Or that moment on a beach when you see the water pull out for a couple kilometers out and it dawns on you — you’re impending doom has found you. Gnawing. Selfishly away. Over time the little cretin becomes more confident and begins to take bigger bites no longer feeling the need to hide or play subtle because it has you. It has you. It knows it. You know it. I know it. Found a tree where the cretin doesn’t seem to be able to reach. The rodent doesn’t like plans or heights. Especially plans made at a height above its misery. Some would say rope a dope. Dodge some more punches. Its got you up against the ropes so use the rope for momentum to deliver a straight right to Death’s jaw. I’ll use the rope for momentum alright. This. This is a rope to cope but not for hope. Nope. The tree gave me an approving nod when we settled our agreement eye to eye. The knots of the wood wouldn’t whisper not to which was a surprising comfort. An outstretched branch almost chose me as it looked down upon my mental rodent with disdain. It knew my pain. So. It continues. Gnawing. Biting. Chewing violently. Yes, God, lead me not into temptation and deliver me from this unwelcome visitor. Guide me to my rope to cope.
Hey guys. I am realizing something here. I have to move on. I have a picture with myself since I was 8 years old. I look at that picture and imagine what he wanted. He was a good kind child. His parents gave him the best they had. He had computer and a shelter+ food. Some of us don’t have this, some of us are paralyzed, having serious medical problems and the list can continue. The divorce of my parents and my introverted nature shattered my world, and the dissapointments with my exes. But still, like Salt said, I am good looking and smart. I have to do something, I have to live,I have to let go all the pain.
I always wanted to become a footballer, but it wasn’t possible. But from all the sports that I did , I found that I am good at boxing and bodybuilding even if I am not so much into them. These sports make my feel alive, my kindess makes me feel alive.
About atheism, creation and all that philosophical bullshit, WE WILL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE. There are a lot of possibilities, a lot , and atheism seems to be right in some but I have to not think about life and its meaning because it makes me feel depressed and suicidal. I hope you find some comfort in this life.I am going to train very hard and be ripped as fuck. You can do that too. Try to enjoy life. I am not saying please because I know very well how it is to be depressed and suicidal, but I hope from all my heart even if it dosen’t exist that there is something out there that will take care of us. If not in this life at least give us comfort in the afterlife or if there is another dimension and etc. I hope you all find peace. I will never enter this site again because it makes me feel depressed. Somebody said that we have no idea how powerfull we are. I hope he is right. The thing is, that he always was right, lel .Salt man, you are the best, you always answered my shit, take care of you and god speed. I am also very young, I am going to turn 20 on 26th. I love you all and goodbye, sorry for this long text. P.S :