Mysterious Misery

It’s mysterious,
the day you change,
suddenly feelings are engulfed by darkness,
and it feels as if you’re carrying a darker shadow than usual.

You wonder if people notice,
but you don’t think they can,
until you get that one person who says “Why are you so different all the time now?”
and you realize that everyone has noticed,
they’ve just been too polite to say anything.

You curse yourself,
but how could this be your fault?
This isn’t something you wanted,
this isn’t something you can change.
You swallow down the pills,
that numb your brain, feelings,
yourself.
To please you parents, your family, your significant other.

You hate this feeling,
but you can’t stop it,
it’s like swimming in an ocean with no raft, no support,
nothing.
And the people in your life are the waves that either crash you closer to shore,
take you out even deeper,
or get you stuck in rip current.

You hate the lack of understanding,
but then again, you don’t feel like explaining,
you don’t really feel like doing anything,
besides covering yourself in scars you’ll need empty explanations for tomorrow.

And soon you’ve been this way for as long as you can remember,
you offer a “Yeah, I’m fine.” when you don’t even know what you are anymore.