Does anyone else go through the cycle of getting your life back on track and at that precise moment fucking it up all over again, then having to claw it back? I’m a middle aged person, somewhat successful in a career, yet never fully achieving my potential, really just getting by. I’ve suffered non specific, non diagnosable illness most of my adult life (ibs, cfs, etc) and have fought and fought and fought against them. On many occasions I have wanted out, and only came close once to attempting. I’ve done research and am confident I can do it if I have the resolve. Recently I’ve confronted my problems directly and have started and stuck with yoga, qigong, taichi, crossfit and meditation. These have worked for me tremendously, both physical and mental health wise. I’m at least out and about interacting with other people who are doing something positive, and are generally supportive. Find something similar that works for you, who cares what other people think/say? I’ve quit drinking. I’ve decided I’m an alcoholic, but not in the classic sense where I binge drink and cant stop and cant remember anything, or go to work drunk. I have no problem with having a drink and stopping. But on the occasion I drink too much, or drink to please others / fit in, then I feel like shit the next few days and want to kill myself. So decided just to stop. I have a submissive, empathetic personality, and am working to try to recognize situations and people where that might not be the best combination. So in any case I was going along fine, feeling well, building confidence, reconnected with some friends, then had bad encounters with others that broke some specific rules I set for myself, which basically left me feeling ill again at a time that I had set aside to accomplish things and move forward. Total self sabotage brought about again by submissive empathy. I have trudged through this period, missing a few classes but forcing myself through and starting to feel better. I try to learn from these mistakes every time, try to identify triggers, markers, and set reminders.
I’ve read through some of these posts and I guess I’m posting to maybe identify with others and share some of my experiences. If you can find something to at least escape your thoughts or emotions or others, that is not suicide then do it. I have found that waking up in the morning and walking to the park and doing taichi and meditating is a big comfort. The beautiful sky, the chirping birds, the trees, the air. Also the inward focus onto your physical body. Everything you experience in life is through your body. These simple yet amazing things we get to experience while we are here on earth. RuPaul is also a big help, one of her famous quotes is, “What anyone else thinks of me is none of my business”. Someone being an asshole to you or thinks you’re worthless? Who cares what they think? Why give them that power over you? Focus on yourself and treating yourself well and be kind to yourself. Maybe do something kind for someone else, maybe even someone close to you who may not be kind to you. What do they like? Maybe clean the bathroom for someone. Do it for them but also for yourself, and expect nothing in return.
If you think about the max time you may be alive, say 80 years, its nothing compared to the age of the earth (4 billion) or the age of the universe (13 billion), so why just not stick it out, its still a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Keep effing up, learn, get back up and try again. Make excellent mistakes. Explore what your body can do, what your mind can do, its all you’ve got. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
5 comments
Well said. Good advice. Kind of like the bible. It sounds really simple, right? The verse, it is. Nope. When you are talking about a seriously depressed person, no amount of ideas to help work. You know why? It’s because, they or WE already know this. We do! It’s just not that simple for a person struggling with depression and anxiety.
Very excellent point, many people who are struggling are aware and cognizant yet their/your condition/pain/situation are complex and very real, possibly many layers. A lot of people posting are talking about being on medication, and not sure my experiences can relate at all. I have no clinical training/knowledge. Depression, loneliness, illness, are painful and sometimes nothing helps. I was wary about posting advice, I think this site is more about shared experience / pain rather than platitudes etc. But as I learn in practicing yoga, everything we experience in life, our emotions, thoughts, physical pain, our interactions and reactions with/to others, are the result of physical phenomena happening inside the body. You can affect how you feel and how you experience the world in many positive ways through some sort of inner self centered practice, one of those being yoga. Some people may draw, write, lift weights. If some people can find some comfort in something that can allow them to escape that pain at least temporarily.
I think you are a centered person. Keep up the meditation!!! Also keep on the crossfit until you’re pickled in endorphins. I walked away from my career as a programmer just so I could take a menial back breaking job and spent two years higher than a kite and irritatingly happy.
Everything you wrote was steeped in rationality and wisdom, but the phrases “fucking it up”, “fucked up”, etc was painful for me to read. It’s a trigger phrase for me. It smells of a judgemental desire to place blame. Forgive me if I am projecting!
Are you an Adult Child of an Alcoholic? Have you tried any 12 step programs? ACoA meetings helped my father and I tremendously. I wish we could still go to them but he’s too frail.
Pleasant journeys!
thanks for your feedback, apologies for the language. I appreciate your insight, even though i tell myself that i take responsibility for my own actions and feelings, my language I use may be saying otherwise and part of me is still wants to blame others.
Fortunately my parents were not alcoholics, not even close. I have been considering some kind of therapy it may be time to seek it out.
12 step programs are pretty low key. They even come in secular flavors. Chances are you already embrace the concepts they espouse. The face to face sharing of stories can be very powerful.
I’m, hopefully, going to see a certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist soon. They are supposed to be very results oriented. If you see one with certification you get the secret decoder ring after 5 sessions.