this is my story

where to begin?? well it started 7 years ago when I just left foster care. my life was great I was in high school at the time and I was looking at a bright future. but it went down hill because my feeling of loneliness was getting to me . I felt like I had nobody. my best friend at the time was gone from my life and everyone I thought were friends just shitted on me. I felt ignored. as a teenager dealing with depression and having to develop psychotic depression really really can screw with your mind. my first thought of suicide was when I was 13 when I wanted to just hang myself from a tree with a rope because my anxiety was just overbearing. in school I was the weird kid of the school nobody would talk to me because I was just so damn weird to them. reason is that I like things that a normal person wouldn’t. I hated myself at the time because my personality was really up and weird like its hard to describe but what I’m saying is nobody liked me because of it. but anyway back to the story. around my second year in high school I was beginning to experience depression. Not the full extend but it was bad. I remember I would get very stressed out because I was overwhelmed with so much stuff around me plus considering the fact that I felt I wasn’t male really put a dirty on me. when I first realized I didn’t like the fact of me being male I say was when I was about 6 years old. I liked wearing dresses and I even have one hell my mother had a photo of me being in one but I was like 7 at the time. I looked soo cute in it. anyway back to story, it was my junior year that it really started to kill me.  I was suffering from psychotic depression which drivin me mad. I was paranoid all the time thinking that my friends hated me without telling me and my love life go to shit because I had very bad trust issues because of this paranoid sickness. I remember leaving my class one day because I was just overwhelmed with my crazy mind.  it was my senior year that it was alright. but it was last year in the beganing that I really started to act up and never become the same person I once was again. I had a close online friend I once called best friend that just turned on me. he stopped talking to me much and thats when I turned to drinking and started cutting myself because I was soo miserable. I would just drink my problems away with a bottle of whiskey but that wasn’t enough. it was  this year that I tried killing myself twice first was by drinking anti freeze then the second was by overdose. I’m currently stable after going to a mental hospital twice but they weren’t enough. good news is I love myself but the problem is I don’t think I’ll find anyone who would love me the way I am considering how fucked up my head is. but I found someone who is just like me and we instantly bonded together  forming a relationship. we had a mes up lives and we related so much. I never been so happy in my life with my girl. and I honestly can say that if it weren’t for her or the fact of my close friend who came back n my life, I be dead by now.