I definitely had my share of trials and tribulations last night. I just don’t know how I feel right now. It’s between understanding and numb. Not completely either one, but maybe somewhere in between of them both. I don’t know if I’m handling my emotions or if I’m hanging on to my sanity. Last night was crazy.
I finally got Jordan to come over and get the rest of his things. Of course he was over prideful, over furious at me and too stubborn to listen, he fought me every second I talked. After begging, he agreed he would talk. We sat down and I talked, while he listened. I cried ,while he watched. And he gave me my share of hell; His thoughts, his anger and his sadness. I confronted him about my inner thoughts of suicide, my depression and how I’m reaching out for help. Even though I’ve tried talking to him before he probably thought I was just doing it for attention but now that he could see me, and feel my pain, I think he finally heard me. He told me I was better than that, he took all my razor blades, and then I asked for a hug. And of course after saying I was able to let him go yesterday, I cried in his arms and begged him not to leave me. And he said he had too. I have really broken his heart and made a wall between us because of what I have done. I hate myself because of it and I know he will never be mine again. My sweetheart will only feel pain towards me now.
I ended up having a panic attack. I begged him to leave me. The more I looked at him and saw him watching me made me cry more. The more he tried to comfort me, the more it hurt. My head got light headed, my hands went numb, I had no control over my thumb or pointer finger. (No idea why either) He said he wouldn’t leave me till I calmed down. It took about 45 minutes if not an hour. He looked at me from across the room, and I said goodbye he could leave now. He walked over to me and said goodbye and started tearing up. I didn’t know what to do! It broke my heart again to see him upset he had been so strong this whole time. He said he wanted to see me again… To give me back the things I had left in his possession. Sitting there I couldn’t bare to go through this again. I told him, to mail them to me. And he broke down. He cried and I have never seen him cry before. He left me hold him for a few seconds. I kissed his cheek and he turned away from me. He didn’t want my love. But I asked for it once more. I asked for a kiss. And he leaned down and kissed me, with his salty tears in all then left. I ran after him to his truck, opened the drivers door and there he sat. His hands cradling his head, crying still. I hugged him and kissed his cheek again till he made me stop. Then he drove off.
I woke up before my alarm went off this morning. It felt as if this all happened 5 minutes ago to me then. It keeps replaying back in my mind. I am sad about it but I feel okay. I got my goodbye. I know he does care. And I know our love was real no matter what anyone says.
2 comments
It gets better. This I know in my heart just like I know that saying these words won’t help: it gets better. As you heal, yesterday will feel less like an ending and more of a beginning. He obviously cares. You care. You both need space, but in the years to come you both will be part of each other’s support networks.
All this will be for the best. You both will be happier eventually. That’s what he wants for you. That’s what you want for him. Yes, it’s a road of broken glass, but in this case it’s the *right* road of broken glass.
All that’s required of you for the foreseeable future is to cry. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t harm yourself. Just let the pain come out in tears, preferably on the shoulder of a friend.
You are worthy of love. Empty out the pain so new love will have room to grow.
That must have been devastating. At least you know how deeply he cares. Hopefully things will gradually get easier from now on.