I may have finally figured everything out. Im at a point where i cant get better. I just need to stay where I am in this state in which I need to be alone and rot. My Parents sometimes care and throw me away especially my father. But, They care more about my drug addict brother. They treat him more better than me. He curses them out and threatens them yet they keep letting him in the house. He is fucking 21 for christs sake! Im leaving to the Marine Corps. on janurary 11 and Im ready for the day to come. Im Obviously too much of a coward to take my life so im praying one of the enemies gets the job dont for me. So far this year I havent dont anything right. I cheated on my Final exam, Staying after school to make up hours but didnt finish so i lost the paper on Purpose and fudged the hours in, I was stealing from my first job I can say about 3 grand in cash and at least 1 grand in gift cards until I was eventually caught only for 187 dollars of it and got released after paying that 187 back. So after 2 months of unemployment I land a job at Sams getting 9.80/hr which is pretty sweet but the catch is that I dont get hours unless I beg for them which is what i hate doing. I eventually Buy a car and have spent twice the amount i paid for it fixing it and it still dosnt work(Fucking Crook) and havent seen my girlfriend in 2 weeks because of my father saying if i dont fix the car by the end of this month its getting towed off his driveway so I have no money to get to her and its messing up my heart alot and my mind and it affecting my life to where i just dont want to live anymore and keep going through this. Its over bearing and I have been dealing with too much bullshit for these past 2 years and Im ready to throw in the towel at this point. So either the military will take me or I will grow enough balls to do it myself because so far I dont see my life getting better and staying that way.
1 comment
Wow… I suppose you know you’re lucky to have not been in much trouble… You’ve spiraled a bit, I think a small part of it might have been as a way to get attention from your parents, and another is that to a degree you lost interest in caring… The child who screws up the most in a way you can see is the one who gets the most attention from the parents, that’s how it is. life sucks. I think you might be stuck in the military for a long while before you are in a situation to get killed, but if you can deal it might give you some direction. life doesn’t get better and stay better, sorry, mostly it goes back down and comes back up, that’s how it is. fun times.