I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe my friend Rachel is right. Maybe I’ve lost touch with what is real and what is not. All I know is that I am losing the battle. And I feel like I’m hurting my friends. They can’t deal with my shit. I can’t deal with my shit. I want to die. I want to disappear. But I don’t want to commit suicide. I don’t want to do that to my friends and family. I don’t want to put that pain on them. But I don’t want to continue in this pain. I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to continue. I can’t even imagine my future anymore. When I think about what is next in my life, I cannot see past this week or this month. My future is short-lived. I don’t see a point in continuing on this path. I need help but I don’t know where to turn and I don’t want to scare anyone. I don’t want to be treated differently even though I am so much different than I used to be. I hate myself and don’t want to live anymore.
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2 comments
The trouble with killing yourself is you may be gone but it still leaves your friends “dealing with your shit.” Sometimes for the rest of their lives.
If you want to do nice things for your friends then do nice things for yourself. Seeking counseling is a nice thing. Practicing NOT thinking self destructive thoughts is a nice thing. Worrying about today and ONLY today is a nice thing. Accepting that you are neither angel nor devil but human is a nice thing.
If you are in school talk to a school nurse or counselor. If you are an adult talk to your physician. You are going to have to open up and tell them you are ready to kill yourself. No professional will tell you you are wrong or just seeking attention. They will offer to help you. This is a nice thing.
Its a good sign that you cant see your future. Unlike me who can accurately tell his future..
I know how i will live.. How everyday will be .. And how i will die
Its a good thing to want help, its a good movement toward the salvation from your state. However, dont weight your problems on someone not professional such as “friend”. Go to someone who has experience and met people like.. Us. And tell him your problem. My advice, keep it a secret. Just like how you take sleeping pills to sleep, dont tell anyone your are meeting with a therapist. Unless you want to lose people which is up to you. My second advice is, have a goal and work for it. Even if its small or impossible. Invent yourself a goal like. Hey i wanna build iron man suit. Then go buy some tools and get into ur garage and start hammering and tinkering. Even if u spent hours doing northing just pretending to be doing something.. This is good. If u want to be happy.. You have to believe you are happy before u become happy. If u want to laugh, you must think believe that what that guy will say will make u burst in laughter.. And before he say anything u must laugh out loud. You must accept yourself, accept what u became and accept everyone. If you try to be someone who u were once, then you will be again someone who u became now in the future and your existance is a living proof. What to do? Be someone better. Someone who learn from his past and fixed his present.