here I am again

so again I’m saying I quit. I’ve posted before saying I planned to end it, and obviously changed my mind. Well I’m back with a new plan. I did a little research, picked out my date. The steps are in motion. I’m tired of going back and forth and honestly I don’t want help. I don’t want to get better. I know I can’t. I did the math and I’ve had sucidal thoughts for around 8 yrs. I first tried to kill myself in 8th grade so I was around 12. And since then it’s been back and forth. I’ve tried to end it so many times I’ve lost count. I’d even ordered these special seeds that people use for jewelry but when ingested can be deadly. i went out in the woods looking for poisonous plants, they didn’t even make me sick. I’ve tried cutting but I called for help because I got scared,  that attempt landed me in a psych ward for 3 days. I thought it’d help but a couple days later I was back in the ER for drinking bleach. I managed to convince them to let me leave that night though. So many attempts and I’m ready to go again. I’ve picked a time where I will be alone enough for the process to work. I’m a little scared but I know my time has come.