Hi, I’m new here. I suppose I’ll start with a brief reflection of my life. I apologize if my sentences are extremely scattered. Currently, I’m 24 and a bi-curious/bisexual male. However, being a closeted bi is the least of my problems… My problems started long before everything hit the fan. I was born a little over 1-pound and close to the end of the 2nd trimester. I had brain trauma from the birth itself which caused the doctors to never think I’ll walk or talk. Almost a quarter of a century later, I definitely defied their expectations. Yet in the eyes’ of “normal” society, I want to throw my “accomplishments” away. Over one million dollars wasted on an unforeseen outcome, isn’t that a cruel joke!
I can deal with hiding my sexuality, I can deal with the endless days of darkness, I can even deal with the murderous obsessions… What I can’t deal with is the loneliness. In my opinion, there is no torture worse than being loved but still being alone. I want to be close to people. I want to care about people. I don’t even mind the fact I’ll be open to being hurt. I just want to be able to say, “It’s okay. I’m here for you if you need to talk.” and actually mean it… I can’t, though. It doesn’t matter if the people suffering are friends or family… I can’t even make myself care a little. Even though I know I’ll break the fragile foundation of my family with my death, I still don’t care. For me, death is my only freedom. Even if I were to abandon this life and live in seclusion, I still wouldn’t have the freedom I yearn for.
Humans are such pitiful creatures. They are easily swayed by emotions and don’t care about how many others they have to shove down in pursuit of their desires. The saddest part of this joke called life is the fact it will always suck in one way or another. At best, one’s individual life can suck less than it did but as a whole, the world is still devouring itself. So by the definition of “polite society,” I’m deemed a criminal for murder. Yet society is blind to its fallacy, how is it possible to murder something that is already dead? It’s true I can be considered alive in a physical sense but I’m quite dead in a spiritual sense. Society thinks it is abnormal to desire death but people wouldn’t desire death if they had better lives. However, is it possible to say with 100% certainty that an individual would be happy if they had their dream life? Despite wishing the answer is yes, it’s still no. Life is unexpected, she can be loving or cruel. I, for one, am tired of that dance. The dance I’m speaking of is the waltz between happiness and despair. It shouldn’t be a crime if one wants to see what the next dance holds: nothingness, Heaven/Hell or reincarnation.
6 comments
Welcome to SP, Zetsumei.
You are very right about we humans being ruled by our passions and spending our lives in the pursuit of fulfilling our desires. Have you considered meditation or looking into certain Eastern philosophies (or even certain ancient Western philosophies)? I ask this because what you have written here, and your username, make me wonder if this is something that might help. I don’t want to say too much more in case this isn’t of any interest to you. I just wanted to ask.
please feel free to post morethe people here do their best to be helpful and supportive
Well shoot! I was trying to edit that last sentence when my finger accidentally bumped “post comment”. 🙂
Zetsumei,
Humans are such pitiful creatures, yes they are not there fault, and nothingness is next, your goal is to survive, and do you best, we all die soon enough, be good and be kind, so when you go you can go in peace! never go out bitter.
Heh, it’s ironic you should mention meditation, mysteriousvisitor. My family is Buddhist and I did some research on Confucianism and Taoism before. Sadly, meditation doesn’t calm me but in fact, it corrupts me by letting my inner darkness take over. Also I’m a horrible Buddhist, I have broken the “Five Precepts” before and I still do.
Rocketman, I wish I could be kind but I can’t. I can’t feel love for anything including myself. If I was capable of feeling even a tiny bit of kindness, I wouldn’t have hurt so many people without a second thought…
I am a closeted Bi-sexual male too, you are not alone. Life is designed to wear us out but it’s up to us to squeeze as much gems of beauty as we can out of this shitty existence. Damn, I must admit that you are strong. If I were in your shoes, I’d have broken down already. At university, depression severely curtailed my concentration and I relinquished, crazy. You can do this man… I know you can, I pray you don’t give up..
Out of interest, how long have you tried doing meditation regularly? That’s exactly why I couldn’t stand to do it for several years. Lately I’ve been worse and it’s been a lot more difficult again, but once I forced myself to do it daily it was starting to feel a lot easier.
I think apathy is very often a part of depression. Did you feel like that when you were happy too? Do you regret hurting those people?
I find depression can take away from a lot of feelings. Sometimes I feel no connection, no love, for anyone – I try to think of loved ones when I’m deeply depressed and none of it means anything. It’s like I’m thinking about strangers I’ve never met – just reading facts about them in my mind. I know my experiences will be very different to yours, but in general I think issues like that can be changed.
And welcome to the site. 🙂