I can’t go on like this. Everyday just the same damn pain as before. I know, no one I know would even try to understand how horrible I feel. So, I also don’t want to bother them with something, they don’t care for anyway. Everyday I fake a smile. Going to breakfast smiling my faked smile. Being around my “friends”, going somewhere, smiling my faked smile. But it gets more and more out of control. When no one talks to me I just can’t keep it up anymore. People always knew me as the blissful one, well nevertheless that did never change the fact that almost everyone hates or at least dislikes me though…
When I’m home I more often start to get angry instead of being nice and smile. I hate that. I hate me.
Why can’t I make at least others happy? Why am I always no matter what I do, just a disappointment? Why can’t I just be TRULY happy and have real friends with whom I’ve got fun and share every secret? Just what’s so wrong with me???
Well, I don’t know myself. It seems to be, that I can’t change. That I can’t be the one, people want me to be. They are always complaining about me, then I try to change it and still fail. That’s how it always goes. Yeah, I’m a failure. A burden to those who need to endure me so often. I guess it would have been better if I’d never been born.
My faked smile crumbles. And so does my hope. My hope that some day my life might change. I know, I’m actually still young and stuff but I’m constantly asking myself if going on like this is really worth it. I mean, it’s not like someone would miss me anyway. But still it would cause my family trouble. Probably they would be even sad because they are just too nice. I don’t want that. I disappointed way too many people already.
Even now posting this, I feel bad for bothering you guys with this. I really hope that everyone of you out there is doing as good as possible, considering this is a suicide website. Still I hope that all of you can find the happiness in their lives again and don’t need to suffer any longer. You really don’t deserve all this pain and despair. All of those posts I read, came from people, who needed to go through so much even though they did mostly almost nothing wrong.
So, I really appreciate you reading this and especially I hope as already said, that you all find that what you need to finally life an easygoing and happy life.
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6 comments
You’re among friends here, I’m sure nearly all of us can relate to what you are feeling in one way or another. Because of that, there are many who will empathize with what you’re going through, and for what its worth, CARE about what you’re going through. I made a post recently saying something similar, about losing the strength to keep faking it, because I know how much energy it takes day in and day out.
I wish I could say something more to help, but I’m not in a great place myself right now. Perhaps one of the other, more grounded and great individuals here will chime in. All the best.
Well, only the fact that you posted this is already some kind of relief though, so thank you very much for it. And it is actually quite encouraging. I really strongly hope that you can get better and be happy yourself soon. I would really like to help you, if I could somehow, but I’m also not good in giving advice or something like that (as you can probably see). I’m still gonna read your post and try my best. Best wishes and thanks again.
Thanks for taking time to write this post. I was sitting here lost in my own thoughts and feeling the spiral beginning. Now…I read your post and typing a response and thinking about someone else, not me. Very cool. Thanks
I’m really glad that I could help you somehow with my post. And actually the gratitude’s on my side though. So, thank you very much for your comment, I really appreciate that you took your time to write it. All the best and thanks again.
Heyy , you are not bothering, that’s why SP exists i guess.
I can relate to “your” situaon some how, i know what’s to smile without joying, whats smiling with the soul crying. You all live around the hope, we never know the toorrow’s day, as i always say, we can die, but not without fight back my friend.
Stay strong and feel free to talk about.
I highly appreciate your post and all your supporting and encouraging words, Allitends.
Thank you very much for all of it and I’ll try to follow your advice and keep fighting.
I’m truly sorry that you can relate to this situation, even though I need to admit that it’s nice to see that I’m not alone and you can understand what I feel like.
I wish you that the path your walking will always be full of happiness and joy.
Best wishes.