I just want to have a friend who is there for me when I need her/him most….
Seriously, Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to have a friend who is there for me when I need her/him most….
Why do I need to disappoint every single person close to me?
My boyfriend broke up, and I still don’t really know why
My friend is totally angry with me again
I’m not able to comfort the friend most dear to me but instead he’s got trouble with his parents because of whom? Yeah well, of course it’s been me… Just as always I did my move of destruction.
I fuck up in school
I’m extraordinary unfair and mean to my parents who actually probably just want the best for me but are just putting way to much pressure on me and want me to do certain things I’m just not able to/do not want and then we’ve got another argument
I’m really a total looser, I just want to die already but still I will always hold on and not kill myself, that’s what I swore to me and under NO circumstances I’m ever going to break this promise as well.
I hope I make it through all this without breaking down completely.
I just feel so alone. And I don’t even know exactly why. It’s just that everyone who more or less likes me seems to be so distant. Or is gone completely
It’s been quite a long time since I visited this site last time but things got kinda worse and so I couldn’t even manage to write something here, I was more or less all time just laying in my bed doing nothing but thinking about my worthless life. How I messed things up again. More and more I began realizing that I am by far a bigger problem for others and also myself than I assumed before. I don’t even know anymore how the heck I got to such a point in my life.
But now I’ve got vacation and I pushed myself, thinking – no – knowing it can’t go on like this. I’m a burden to everyone in my life, I mess up with everything and one, then I try harder, just to fail eventually again, thus things get worse and when things get worse I lose control and when I do that I fail even more, things get even more worse and when they get worse I fail even more and …. yeah, I guess you know what I want to say here. Sooo I tried to search for things that help when I’m completely down again, ready to die or for severe self-harm or whatsoever.
Well, certainly I also found out some, I really hope if you guys read this and you didn’t know them before they might help you too:
I. Shooter games/also other computer games (One of my best working methods so far though)
II. extremly spicy things (Wasabi/Chilli) or just chocolate :3
III. horror movies or my favourite series or watch funny stuff
IV. a long walk with my dog through the woods where no one’s around and by chance just scream out my feelings WITHOUT strange looks from others
V. ice-cold bath (even though it doesn’t work most times as I can’t bring myself up to do this much anymore)
VI. torture a puppet that looks like me, rather that I made look like myself (if not given, a photo (or perhaps a drawing) also works for me even though not that good) ((a person here gave me this amazing advice by the way, so thanks again to her/him ^^))
VII. read my best book/Manga
VIII. draw (other hobbies)
IX. just writing down my feels or what makes me feel sad/angry/hopeless, etc. either here or only for myself
X. put marbles/little stones in my shoes
XI. flick a rubber band on my wrist (even though it’s not working well for me, to be honest)
XII. make a list of positive things that happend
XIII. throw something around/destroy old unimportant stuff (like newspaper or something)
XIV. cuddle with my stuffed animals ~
XV. listen to music (Metal!)
Well, so this were the things I came up with, so if you didn’t know them yourself already, I hope, as mentioned before, they help you too 🙂
And if you have some other skills you (or the internet) came up with I’d be really grateful if you shared those.
But anyways, Thank ya all for reading though and I hope you are all doing fine.
I’m reaching out for help. But I can’t find any. Cutting gets worse than ever before. And this feeling of hopelessness and grief as well, my anger is out of control but my parents in contrast desperately to control every single thing in my life. I’m getting crazy here. I need to change my damn surrounding, buy there is no way I could…
Someone saw it. A classmate of mine saw the cuts. Actually – thank god – just one, and also not my deepest one.. – thank God for it –
Well she was asking like: “Wow, this looks pretty much like you cut yourself, hahaha! Where’d you get this from?!”
And I, just desperately trying to bring her away from this thought, as I never want anyone to see, especially not her, I dunno, I kinda don’t trust her really, (don’t wanna sound mean though, but unfortunately I have a problem with trusting anyway…), was like: “Huh, where the hell did I got this from?!” I really tried my very best and was acting as good and convincing as I could, and I think – or at least hope – that it was good enough and she doesn’t suspect anything anymore… I mean I’m fortunately really clumsy, so it’s probably not that suspicious…
Still I’m afraid. Of course I am! I mean this is one of my deepest secrets, and this things are part of my true self. Proof of my damaged and insane mind…
And besides I’m desperately trying to keep it hidden from everyone; since more than half a year and it always worked out very well. So tomorrow and the the day after and following too I have to act even happier than before; I’ll just be Miss extremely happy c:
I’m not allowed to show only the slightest bit of sorrow, grief, anger or any other negative emotion in the next days.
Hell, I know I’m overreacting way too much again! But my anxiety is just not going away.
I don’t know, probably she has already forgotten about this incident, I mean as I already mentioned I’m really clumsy and I tried to act as well as I could so actually it should be alright and forgotten but there is still this little, constant voice in my head, that keeps on questioning me “And what if not?! What do you do when this is not the case?! What if she DID recognise what it was?! What then, you stupid idiot? Gonna kill yourself and go to hell?! You’re WEAK, *****! So incredible WEAK and PATHETIC! You’re a wretched creature that shouldn’t be living here anymore, causing only trouble to others. Go. Do it. Don’t hesitate any longer. At least punish yourself for all those things you did today! And all the other days! You don’t deserve any better.”
Just go to hell yourself, voice!
Well guys I’m sorry for it but do you have perhaps some advice in general what to answer, what to say if someone sees the cuts. I’m really worried about others seeing it, I always was, but this kinda made it worse, so really what is a convincing lie for cuts? I seriously can’t come up with the slightest idea…
And also do you have methods to hide them? I stopped cutting on my shoulder, as it is really hard to hide them there when I have to go to the docto or something, so I’m cutting my wrists again, just also before. Of course I have many bracelets and also mostly long sleeves if it’s not too suspicious… But they get out of place sometimes even though I’m careful with it, just as today, so what to do?
It’s strange. Just some minutes ago I was feeling numb and empty and now my feelings are taking me down. I stare out of the window asking myself “Well, would those stones really kill me if I jumped with my head ahead on them?” Then my other voice decides for me: “Too risky, the chance of surviving and end up in a clinic with everyone thinking you’re mad and idiotic and eventually leaving you too is just WAY too high…” Wow. My mind sure knows how things work and what makes me feel better again. Not.
I’m in this I-hate-myself-can’t-do-anything-anymore-but-being-depressed-I-just-wanna-die mood again, if you know what I mean. I’m so pissed off by this, everything is just awful while being in this mood. My mind is annoying, I sometimes really want to live without feels, I imagine it to be so relaxing, but well, probably this is also no perfect option though… Whatever, I mean it’s not as I could change it anyway, so why do I even bother?
Recently I found a pretty cool band on YouTube, called Smile Empty Soul. I can relate to most of the songs and lyrics so much, especially to self inflicted, a song that just tells the story of my life.
I’m glad that I found this song, although it makes me see how frustrating my life actually is and it reminds me of all the shit that happened again.
Still I can’t stop listening to this songs with that so fucking accurate lyrics.
So here it is, with the hope that some of you like it as well.
I’ve just been wondering about this question, so yeah, as the title already says, what’s keeping you alive?
Family? Friends? Something you don’t wanna miss?
For me, I guess it’s mainly my family, because I couldn’t imagine just leaving them here with all this shit that I created and they have to pay for in the end.
They really don’t deserve it.
The second would be that I’m just too fucking ***** to actually do it. I have to admit, even though life is Hell on Earth already, I’m still afraid of what comes after death. Whether I have to regret it or not.
Besides this little God damn spark of hope just doesn’t want to get extinguished. Even though I desperately try to get rid of it, it constantly keeps me thinking, that in some time my life might change and it could be awesome and great fun. But it really is depressing and exasperating to see it getting smaller and smaller every single day but yet not being completely burned out.
I hate that all, as well as I hate myself…
First of all, I wanted to thank you for the awesome and kind advice I got from you, especially my gratitude goes to Suicidal Angel, because the advice I got from this person truly helped me. Thanks to her I was able to stay clean for 2 months and 2 days! It was a really huge achievement for me, and I couldn’t have done it without her advice I guess, so if you’re reading this (even though I doubt it) a huge thanks to you again! I’m not really able to express my gratitude to you and the other nice pieces of advice from some people, it sure means a lot to me and also helped me to get through it for this time. Because apart from yesterday, when I just couldn’t hold it back anymore, the last time I cut was on the evening of 07th of February were I felt so miserable that I just couldn’t stop it and cut as deep as never before, I knew I needed to change things and looked up the answers, which were really helpful. And so I was able to stay more or less clean for the time being. But well, now I cut again. Yesterday, today and if nothing happens, probably tomorrow too. I thought I’d be able to stay clean, or at least to only cut once in a while but well because I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
Of course also when I was “clean” I still beat myself till I had big bruises, bite myself, scratched myself until I could finally see my blood dripping out of the wound. Writing this makes me feel so insane though… Just what went wrong with me?! Still all of this was at least easy to explain and I stopped cutting and this was my most important objective. But yesterday everything went wrong again. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. This urge. I just had to cut. To punish me. To feel something else. I’m a disappointment and no one knows this better than I do.
Lately, I can’t do anything anymore. When I wake up in the morning I want to do nothing more than just go on sleeping. When I try doing something productive I can’t keep it up and end up going on my computer, surfing senseless in the internet, watching dumb videos and at the same time hating myself for doing nothing else but this. I truly wish I could stop this. I can’t even concentrate on my homework anymore, not even on my actual hobbies. I almost feel as if it kinda annoys me even more than the cutting. Because this behavior eventually leads to the cutting, as I keep failing in everything, like school, friendship, etc. while being in this mood…
I’m disgusted by myself, that I ended up as abject as I am now. I don’t know a way out here. I really don’t. I feel bad again, to bore you with my pathetic life story but I really have no clue what else I could do. Who else I could ask for help? I mean fortunately the all others still don’t know anything and I keep acting, even though it gets worse day to day.
Anyone out there who could tell me how to hide cuts when wearing a swimsuit/top?
I cut myself mostly just on the shoulder to prevent that people see it because then I can wear at least most T-Shirts without any problem… But now I realized that it is WAY more problematic to hide them if I need to wear a swimsuit or whatsoever. On my wrists I can cover the cuts with bracelets and stuff like this, but how can I hide them on the shoulder? Without being noticeable? My family mustn’t see what I did, so does anyone has an advice for me?
Even though this comes late, I hope all of you enjoyed a great and nice Christmas feast.
And more importantly, I wish everyone here an awesome new year in 2016.
Well, another year passes by again. For me and I guess for most you too, sadly just another year of grief, loneliness and failure. So, let’s hope it’ll be better in 2016 than in this year.
May all of you be on the bright side of life then, with the warm and comforting sunlight on the path your walking.
May all of you be safe and sound and have nothing left to fear.
May all of you enjoy a happy new year!
All the best!
I can’t go on like this. Everyday just the same damn pain as before. I know, no one I know would even try to understand how horrible I feel. So, I also don’t want to bother them with something, they don’t care for anyway. Everyday I fake a smile. Going to breakfast smiling my faked smile. Being around my “friends”, going somewhere, smiling my faked smile. But it gets more and more out of control. When no one talks to me I just can’t keep it up anymore. People always knew me as the blissful one, well nevertheless that did never change the fact that almost everyone hates or at least dislikes me though…
When I’m home I more often start to get angry instead of being nice and smile. I hate that. I hate me.
Why can’t I make at least others happy? Why am I always no matter what I do, just a disappointment? Why can’t I just be TRULY happy and have real friends with whom I’ve got fun and share every secret? Just what’s so wrong with me???
Well, I don’t know myself. It seems to be, that I can’t change. That I can’t be the one, people want me to be. They are always complaining about me, then I try to change it and still fail. That’s how it always goes. Yeah, I’m a failure. A burden to those who need to endure me so often. I guess it would have been better if I’d never been born.
My faked smile crumbles. And so does my hope. My hope that some day my life might change. I know, I’m actually still young and stuff but I’m constantly asking myself if going on like this is really worth it. I mean, it’s not like someone would miss me anyway. But still it would cause my family trouble. Probably they would be even sad because they are just too nice. I don’t want that. I disappointed way too many people already.
Even now posting this, I feel bad for bothering you guys with this. I really hope that everyone of you out there is doing as good as possible, considering this is a suicide website. Still I hope that all of you can find the happiness in their lives again and don’t need to suffer any longer. You really don’t deserve all this pain and despair. All of those posts I read, came from people, who needed to go through so much even though they did mostly almost nothing wrong.
So, I really appreciate you reading this and especially I hope as already said, that you all find that what you need to finally life an easygoing and happy life.
It’s been for some years now. That feeling of loneliness and sorrow.
Since my only best friend I’ve ever had abandoned me, I didn’t find any real friends anymore. I don’t know why, but it seems that I’m just so very different from anyone else in my class and my surrounding. People think I’m strange. They avoid me. If we need to do group work in class everyone will sit happily together with their friends and I, well, I’m just standing there trying desperately to find someone to team up with me but no one hears me.
No one is on my side and helps me out, no matter what’s going on.
And the only person I could have told about my pain and sorrow, died some years ago.
I miss her. So much. I’m sure she would have heard me out and maybe she even could have helped me if she had been still alive.
I hate myself.
Why? There are too many reasons to give them all here, so I will just name two of them: Well, first of all I hate myself for being so damn ugly. When people see me in the public many of them just point their fingers at me and scream “Haha, look at that ugly face of her!” and stuff like that.
I also hate me, and that’s one far more important reason, because it seems that I just cause everyone nothing but trouble. My very few friends, well they are no real good friends because I can’t rely on them and they are never there when I need them, are practically always angry with me for some reason. Everything I do is wrong. It doesn’t matter what, I never do it in the correct way.
I really try hard every day to do things better and keep control over myself. To control the sorrow. My tears. I hate to cry but when no one sees me I do this pretty often. However, I just fail. Always. Since I don’t have real good friends, school got even more important to me as it already was but again I fail. The class tests are not good enough and I can’t concentrate completely.
I think of myself as a failure. As a disappointment. If the pain grows too big I’ll take my knife and just cut myself. It helps. Not much, though, but it helps at least a bit to get over it. But then again it results in other problems, that I need to hide the cuts and the scars from my family.
I just want to get rid of all the pain, all the disappointments, all the trouble, all the worries, all the sadness, all the grief. I want to stop it. Forever.
It hurts. But no matter how deep I cut, I know, it will never be deep enough to erase my pain.