I’ve never used a website like this before, i have been struggling with my emotions for as long as i remember. Tonight was the first time i have cut in four years. I currently do not want to leave my bed. But i probably will leave it and lay on thr floor. All of this i have done as a punishment to myself for hurting someone that I love. I deserve this emotional turmoil I feel. I deserve the tears in my skin and the empty feeling in my chest… I will not eat tomorrow. I don’t deserve to be comfortable. Why am I punishing myself for hurting someone? Because I was selfish. I jumped to conclusions. I told other people everything that I thought was happening. I said mean and harsh things. I jumped to conclusions, got drunk to avoid pain, and then lashed out at the one I love the most. I don’t deserve happiness. He won’t express his pain but I feel it radiating off of him. He would never hurt me. Yet I always hurt him. I don’t think I deserve to live either. But I’m too selfish to end it yet. If my life plans are destroyed, my reasons for living will be destroyed. I’m already close to losing my financial aid for college, life keeps happening and forcing me go with drawl from my classes, even though I’m making straight As. Emergency hospital visits, stalkers, financial problems. It doesn’t matter what I do. Being told I’m possessed by a demon by my Christian mother, who doesn’t know I’m an agnostic athiest because if I said anything close to my true views I would lose my place to stay. Me constantly taking my negativity out on the one person I never wanted to hurt. I don’t deserve this pointless life. It’s filled with pain. I don’t deserve the happy moments. I give up trying to live. It takes too much effort. It’s pointless. Oblivion is inevitable so why avoid the inevitable?
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5 comments
What happens in the past stays in the past. Now you can punish yourself for what you did and lay on the floor all day or you can learn from your mistakes and try to make things better.
This is just my opinion tho.
I hope you find the strength to move on.
I’m punishing myself because he won’t. We are still together. He’s just really upset with me. The only way to make this right is to accept that I deserve these bad emotions because karma comes after everyone. These are the consequences of my actions and I have to deal with that. And thank you.
In my opinion , although I don’t know the kind of person he his, I really doubt you punishing yourself is going to make him feel better. The problem with being in a relationship when we have so much baggage is that when you can’t show love for yourself, It’s hard to show love for another person. You’re going to have to decide whether making your conscious feel better by punishing yourself or bettering yourself for the one you love. Sorry this post is so blunt, but I’ve been in a similar situation before and thought I would share. Welcome to SP I hope this site will help you cope as it’s helped many others.
He hasn’t forgiven you? Give him some time. Find a way to explain to him what happened. Or maybe give him some space to deal with it. To get over the pain. Punishing yourself doesn’t really work things out. It sounds like he really does love you. He’s still with you even when you’ve hurt him. It shows how much you mean to him.
I’m not really good at giving relationship advice. But, hope you find a way to work things out.
Thank you.