Sometimes I scare myself. At first I don’t realize what I’m doing. I tend to change reactions and emotions quickly. I’m bipolar. When I’m alone and calm , I can control myself, until I experience episodes of anger and sadness. These episodes result in me cutting myself or swallowing 30+ pills, or just guzzling down vodka.
I’m having more frequent thoughts of harming myself lately. Its like I’m an addict who is in remission but is being tempted. My friends have tried with me repeatedly to get me to stop self harming but I just can’t
People just don’t understand that suicidal thoughts and self harm are addictive just like actual drugs or cigarettes . Similarly to how a smoker who smokes in excess can’t just stop smoking on queue, I can’t either. Sometimes its not as easy as it sounds.
Like many aspects of our daily routine, self harm and suicide attempts are acquired tasks. For some breaking routine is difficult. Self harm and suicide attempts are like eating, brushing or eating. For some, a day without thinking of how to harm themselves or actually do it.
4 comments
Yes self harm is pretty much an addiction. I have masking tape around the ends of all my fingers in a desperate attempt to let them heal. I have a huge professional conference this week and I can’t be with all these movers and groovers looking like some cuticle picking third grader. It is such a struggle, I’m a mess tonight and want nothing more than to just pick at my fingers and let all the stress melt away. I can’t though and I can’t think of an acceptable replacement tonight. I wish fantasizing about it did any good. The battle continues.
I never want to self harm I either want to live and be healthy or DIE> I have tried to commit sicide a few times before But I went for the death not the harm but to each his own.
I hope you dont cut and dont go. Lets find a reason to live!!!!
I hardly see the point in existing anymore.
Totally get where you’re coming from – to be honest, as an ex-smoker, i’d say cutting and suicidal thoughts are more addictive. 19 days, and i barely think of cigarettes. A self-destructive impulse has never left me.