My Day

So, I went to see a doctor. Basically to just confirm what I already know. Major depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I told him I think I might have a personality disorder too, something along the lines of Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I know I might be going overboard here, but I feel like I fit the criteria perfectly, for both BPD and SPD, actually. He said he’ll look into it with our upcoming consultations.

I always look at the criteria for all these personality disorders and think, “Fuck! This is so me.” Not that my personality traits cause any significant distress in my life. Okay, maybe just a little. But still. I doubt that I really need them addressed. I’m okay with the way that I am. For the heck of it, I also took an online personality test. I came out very likely for BPD and SPD. Maybe I might be. I don’t know.

Someone has been telling me that I might have Antisocial Personality Disorder. That one I really refuse to believe. I think he is joking, but he always insists. I refuse to believe I’m a psychopath/sociopath. Yes, I’ve shared with him my recurrent thoughts of homicide and all that, but I think that can be explained by the trauma that I went through, and the fact that I hate my neighbors. I hate them to the point where if something bad were to happen to them, I wouldn’t feel any remorse, I swear. This is because of everything that they put me through. Are these feelings wrong? I say Hell No! I’m entitled to feel this way. But, I doubt I’ll ever do anything about these thoughts. And besides, how can a person who can barely initiate a conversation with someone have ASPD? People with ASPD are charming, liars (I lie a lot, but the good kind of lying), disregard for other people’s feelings, other people’s rights, violent and aggressive(sometimes that’s me), have problems with the law  and don’t have problems forming relationships with people. Maybe he sees something in me that I don’t see. But, I mean, come on… AM I A PSYCHOPATH PEOPLE?

Anyway, I’m glad I managed to negotiate my way into being seen as outpatient. I’m still functional. Not fully, but I manage. I could have really fucked up my school schedule there if he said my depression was severe and I needed hospitalization. If I told him I was suicidal beyond imagination.

I had to lie. I lied about my cutting. Told him the last time I did was about a week ago. I showed him my arm. The scars have healed on my arms, so he believed me. If I dared showed my thigh, that would have been a disaster. He asked me about suicide. LIED. I told him I’m not suicidal. I have more reason to be alive than ever since my family is dependent on me. Which is true for the most part, but even with that I still don’t want to be here. Anyway, bottom line is, he believed me. I’m not admitted, even though I’m admission material. I’m a definite risk to myself. The things I can do to myself when I get impulsive are very horrifying.

I also got initiated on treatment. I hate pills, but I’ll give them a try just for the heck of it. See if they work. I know antidepressants take a while to work. I hope I can keep my impulsivity under control until I can feel them achieve maximum effect. If they make me more suicidal… I’m gonna fuck someone up! (Kidding.)

He suggested PTSD support group. No! No! Hell No! I am reminded of what happened there every single day. I don’t want to be around people who went through similar shit and be reminded all over again. No Thank You!

Another problem. I need to tell my parents about this. I wanted to tell them before I went to the doctor, but didn’t have the courage. I’ll just show them the medication and have them figure it out for themselves. I really don’t know how to bring up this topic.

Okay.

How do I feel today? Better than the past three days but still shitty as fuck. I still want to die. But, the knife is down tonight.

If my doctor knew I’ve been holding a knife to my throat for the past three nights, I’d definitely be in the ward right now.

Haaaa…. Psychiatry is something else.
(Sorry for the long rant.)