This is my first time posting on this site. I have been sitting here all day reading different posts from people and debated on whether I was going to post or not. Well, here I am. I will try not to bore you.
I have battled with depression since before I was a teenager. However, up till about two years ago I never thought about taking my own life. Now, that’s all I can think about.
My life has not always been easy. I was raped as a child by my uncle. My dad left when I was very young. When I was a teenager, I got into a lot of trouble. Boys, drugs, drinking, sex. At the age of 22 I got pregnant and had no business becoming a mother. However, after I had my daughter life kind of stabilized. I still was a very heavy drinker, but my life was some what under control.
Since I was a teenager, I have been on so many different types of anti-depressants. Some of them worked at times, so of them made it worse at time. Two years ago, they put me on a new kind and that is when I started having thoughts of killing myself. They were so bad that after talking to my DR one day, she admitted me to the hospital for observation. I was planning on taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills.
After being there for a week, I was released and sent home as being diagnosed as bi-polar. The next two years is a whirl wind of emotions and decisions. During all this I had to keep up my “fake” happy self for the sake of my daughter and friends/family.
I was on a ton of drugs. I think I was taking 4 different anti-depressants, 2 anxiety meds, and some mood stabilizers. It was so much… and I felt like I had no feelings. I was numb just going through the motions of each day. There were many days that I thought about taking more pills and just go lay down and go to sleep forever. But I knew I had my daughter and she was my only reason for living.
But one day I finally did it. It was like I didn’t even think about it. I grabbed two different kinds of pills and pored a handful of each in my hand and took them. My thought was that it would take a while for anything to happen, so I drove my daughter to school and started to head to work. Well, the last thing I remember is taking my daughter to school. The next three days were a blur.
I woke up three days later laying in a hospital bed with a broken arm, very badly bruised and very sore. I had driven my car head first into oncoming traffic. After taking me to the ER, they said I admitted to trying and killing myself. So i was admitted to a psych ward for three days. I don’t remember anything.
Once coming home, of course I had to come up with a different story about what happened so to not make my family look bad. My mom told me this story to tell people. This was 3 months ago and I have been living a lie. I wish I died in that accident. I wish I never woke up. I search ever day for ways that I can end my life, but can’t get the guts to attempt it again.
I am unhappy, everyday. I just wish that my daughter didn’t see me so unhappy. I wish I was the mom to her that she deserves.
These thoughts of ending my life never end. I think about it all the time. I have been to DR’s to help, but it never really did. So now I am trying to deal with it on my own. I want to be better. I want to be happy for my daughter but that is the only reason. Which you would like would be good enough, right?
I guess time will tell. But how do I make these feelings go away. I stopped taking all medication because it was doing more harm then good. Please, I am just looking for advise. I want to change, if not for me but for my daughter.
11 comments
Welcome I’m fairly new I was watching a documentary on bi pola disorder and I think meds are the main thing to control it I few women I no have it and they are on meds I think it’s about finding the right one which work for you as for the suicidal thoughts I need some advice on that I’m struggling with that also your not alone
I have done so much research on bi-polar and honestly I really do not think that it is what I have. I think that my depression is just that bad right now. But you are right, its all about being on the right meds, the ones that make you feel good. I am sorry you are also struggling with suicidal thoughts. Maybe we can both find some help on this.
You might just severe depression which iv got that leads to suicidal thoughts as my depression got worst the thoughts got worst did u have anything in common to the search on bi pola ?
Hey there. Lots of information up there in your post. I am on my phone right now so I’ll answer more later. I’m bipolar. I have some ideas.
Thanks, I look forward to hearing back from you.
Okay so, as I said I’m bipolar. I finally got diagnosed at age thirty after twenty or so years of destroying my life on and off. Here’s the thing, with bipolar, there is no perfect answer. It really depends on how your brand of bipolar reacts to certain medicine. Me, well the only thing I ever take is Depakote, it’s old school and it feels like I am a balloon attached to a string with a little match box car rolling along the ground. It works for me about 98% of the time, the other 2% I get these rage breakthrough moments that are hard to control. I’ve never really tried anything else. I haven’t been on medicine for years, I have worked for over a decade to control myself through self care, both mentally and physically, diet and exorcise. However, if I ever found myself getting ready to check myself inpt again, like after the birth of my son ten years ago, trust me I would go back on depakote in a heart beat.
Here is the rub though. You can pile every kind of medication known to man into your body and it won’t do a lick of good if you don’t practice self care.
I have never tried that. Maybe I should look into it. Self care, something I for sure need to worker harder on.
Yes. Self care. A foreign concept to us people who don’t have a very good filter on all the shit that goes on in the world around us. I used to be a sponge soaking up all the awful around me. Now instead of soaking it in I can reflect on it, but I don’t incorporate it into who I am. No easy feat I will tell you that. Takes tons of practice to not be a sponge.
I force myself to do things for me. It may be planting a cactus in my yard, or petting my chickens. It may be simple as watching a movie no one else but me is interested in. Selfish acts of kindness just for me. Really hard. Goes against everything I am to do selfish acts of kindness for myself. Right now I am at war with myself over getting my nails done. I haven’t gotten them done since Thanksgiving. I pick at my cuticles until they bleed, they get infected, it is really craptastic. What stops me from doing it is getting fake tips put on them. They are too bunt to pick, plus I feel pretty damn good with a full set of nails. I get compliments. But it is a luxury, pure and simple. A luxury I need to save and plan for because they need to be redone every two weeks. I’ve taken that away from myself, half punishment for what ever perceived wrongs I have done that I can’t really list because they are too global to really make any sense, and half because my husband was out of work and it would just be wrong in my mind to do something so trivial as getting my nails done. I don’t know why I think that way, my husband doesn’t think that way and thinks nothing of going and blowing $100 on something he want regardless of ability to pay or job. So why am I dragging my heels around on this right? He’s back at work, we are caught back up on our bills, why won’t I do it? Because I have not been practicing effective self care as of late. I am punishing myself. I’ll get back to you sometime later if I ever figure out what wrong I did to deserve punishment. Still, I need to force myself to do something decent for myself. If I’d do it for a family member or friend, I should be able to do it for myself right?
One would think.. but i have a hard time doing anything for myself. It gives me guilt. I feel like I do everything for everyone else but cant do it for myself. I dont know if i can go on anymore.
sadandalone22,
i don’t no what the heck i am! sad rarely happy, but not angry or mad, i started having suicidal thoughts about hum? 7 years ago, and they never go away, bad example but i enjoy sex and think about that quite a bit, i think that’s natural, but now i think about suicide as well on a daily basis, and for some reason that almost seems natural now! but i don’t act on it, i actually have everything i need to do it, one week i bought everything and set it all up, but i said to myself i have it so if i ever want to i can with out running around to find stuff, silly but knowing i can lessened my desire a bit, but i got rid of all that thinking about how, i guess what i am saying as an individual, once you start thinking like that it never goes away, so what i did was learn to accept it as oh well that’s me, and it lessened the desire a bit, suicide lets face it will end all your troubles, i think that’s why it’s so appealing in the first place, but it won’t help your daughter! and sorry but you have one! so now it’s an obligation to stay alive for your daughters sake, unless you are so selfish you don’t care about anyone else but yourself, which i know you aren’t like that, OK myself i have kittens cats that i save from certain death, they are my babies, what would happened if i died? they’d wind up getting the needle too! you see it’s my fault i took on that responsibility the moment i picked them up and said i will take care of you. so in my eyes suicide is not an option any longer, but nice to think about! 🙂
Thank you, you are right about a lot of things. I need to not be selfish. I have a daughter and I need to be here for her. Thank you for reminding me of that.