I have had misophonia for over 30 years and psoriasis for nearly as long despite being prescribed immunosuppressants. As a result of arguments with a family member I have attempted to commit suicide twice by overdosing prescription drugs (beta-blockers and sleeping pills which shall remain nameless). On the second attempt late last year I was found by a doctor and taken to hospital where I narrowly avoided being sent to psychiatric hospital. Waking up in a hospital in a Fentanyl induced daze is a peculiar experience, especially being read the riot act for trying to take out my cannula.
As my misophonia and psoriasis are incurable and will probably get worse with age I am in a constant state of despair. I am especially close to my mum but she is very ill and probably won’t realise that I’ve gone. I look like a burns patient due to my psoriasis so meeting ‘Ms Right’ will never happen. My imminent passing won’t financially affect anyone and direct funerals don’t cost much. Recently I stockpiled pills again and plan to avoid the mistake of the last attempt which was being found in a public place. I’ve tried buying the type of pills used by Dignitas but haven’t got enough money to be scammed.
I feel like human dross and keep being reminded that life has passed me by. Misophonia seriously affected my ability to study and all I’ve got for a 5 year stretch at two universities is a graduate degree and a post-graduate diploma which undersell me. Is it normal to feel like this? I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, can’t sleep, can’t get a job and truly can’t see any point in continuing.
Apologies in advance for seeming negative, but I’m just being truthful about my reality.