I’ve been working a dead end job in a tiny racist town, known for being religious nutjobs, rednecks and KKK members. I could just end my story there and it would make sense, but im not done ranting.
My boss hired me under the table, so i do not pay taxes and cannot use my job on my resumee to find a new job. I pump gas 37.5 hours a week. There is no room for promotions or raises, i make minumum wage and forever will. My co-worker makes more than me, and works the exact same hours and the exact same job title. Ive been here for two years wasting my life away to nothing. Dont have the guts to ask for a raise (an under appreciated consequence of social anxiety).
My customers are racist, sexist and homophobic. This fat redneck with a landscapping company would come in for gas and pick on me daily. His favorite word was “******” and as i smile and say “thanks have a nice day” his response was “yeah, take it deep.” I try to respond but the muscles in my mouth clench as if i have a stutter and i can only quietly say “thanks have a good day”. The comebacks i think of, only come after he leaves, and i end up carving them into my arm with a boxcutter to remember for next time.
My boss rents the station property from a garage owner, who is a grumpy old man with no respect for human life. God forbid, my gas pumps, (built in 1970) stop working, and of course that makes me the worst employee in the world, who deserves verbal assault.
My social anxiety and depression prevents me from going through the hiring process to find a better job. My lack of college degree further closes doors to my future, not that there are any jobs open near me anyway.
Most of my freinds are homeless, even though we are from the US, one of the world’s richest super powers, cant even house themselves.
Being homeless, most of my freinds turned to heroin, and i lost 4 classmates to overdoses before i even left highschool.
My parents divorced when i was 13, my mom was addicted to painkillers and stole them from my dying grandparents. A few times, when i was too young to even call the police, i was home alone with my mom as she overdosed on Zanax, Oxycontin, and anti-seizure medications. Her addiction ended when my granparents died, and she no longer had a supply. She found a boyfreind who i just started to get used to, and than he shot himself through the heart in front of my mother. My mom lives alone in the house where she watched her boyfreind breath out and never back in. She is too poor to move, so she spends most days getting drunk and yelling at the walls of an empty house. That crushes me. I love my mom.
I attempted suicide multiple times, struggled with eating dissorders, (yes men get eating disorders too) and self mutilation. I tried to get counseling, but the system f****ed me. My insurance company said that the therapist was covered, but after 2 months of weekly sessions, my insurance withdrew coverage, and i went into debt, owing the full price of the 2 months i had already attended. I went into debt, because i searched for help.
Later i attempted a text based therapy session, after a free consultation, it turned out to cost money. I told the lady it was not fair that monetary value is held higher than the mental health of human beings, to which she responded, “therapy is not free, im sorry you feel that way” and promptly signed off and ended any further sessions. So professional help is out of the question, unless i win the lottery. Only rich people are worthy of being saved.
There are many sappy relationship stories that i dont care to get into, but they attributed to my depression, as well. Id rather leave them out to avoid the clichè complaints of dating.
The only thing keeping me alive, is the fact that i dont want to make my mother outlive me. She barely copes with one suicide, let alone if her own son died. I fear she may not live much longer, and if she goes, whats stopping me?
America makes me sick, built on top of the mass graves of natives, we slaughtered. Weve been at war for more than half of my life, spending more money on bombs to kill people and secure oil, than anything that we spend to keep us alive. Our education system is one of the worst in the first-world, that uses outdate textbooks that falsely teaches the bad sciences of 50 years ago. (Seriously, a book that refers to the great depression as “trouble to come” should probably be thrown away) We are so obsessed with material possessions that we riot and trample each other to literal death over product sales. We are a mostly “Christian” nation, meaning we value charities, but for some reason, Americans all hate the people who accept charity. We veiw poor people as lesser humans. We donate to them so we dont have to feel guilty, but we hate anyone who receives our donations and complain about those “freeloaders stealing our hard earned cash” that we donated…
I had high hopes as a child. I wanted to save the world from all the pollution. I wanted to be a scientist, an astronaut, a musician, a carpenter, and an artist. I was obsessed with space… Than i found out that theres a better chance of getting hit by lightening twice than to become an astronaut. I gave up.
I wanted to be a musician. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. But my interest lies in the dying arts of Punk and Folk singer/ songwriters. I hate radio pop music. That wont happen. Nuff said.
when my parents die, i can finally die without any guilt. Im a young nobody who puts gas in cars, and it wont make a difference to the world. Heck, id create a job opening for the next poor schmuck fresh out of highschool. If my parents die, they cannot withdraw their pride in me. I could finally do whatever i want and bring shame to no one. If they are to die, however, death would be my only option. (That or becomming a traveling hobo. Havent decided yet.) See i live with my dad and im completely dependant on him. I dont have enough money for a home, and i dont even know how to do taxes (we never learned in school how to deal with money, the single most important thing in the world, if you dont beleive money is important, ask yourself why poverty and starvation exists…. Because the answer is money and property ownership)
so theres my story. Im waiting for my parents to pass away, so i can stop suffering for them, and kill myself. I read other comments on this site about how we shouldnt “live for others” but honestly, if i wasnt living for my parents, i wouldnt be living… So theres that. Heres to another day of pumping gasoline, and resisting the urge to swallow a gallon and eat a match.
13 comments
Sorry to hear that thanks for your story I self harm aswell would u say binge eating is a disorder ?
Thanks for reading it and letting me rant. It did help just to type it. And yes, Binge eating is considered an eating disorder, and it can damage the body. It confuses your body, because it cant handle the extra calories and has trouble deciding how much to store in the fat cells, and how much to burn off immediately. It is also common that binges are followed by a period of not eating anything, which further confuses your body by putting it in survival mode and making it want to store all the extra fat.
Wow thanks for the info sorry for the late reply my friend yeah I binge eat I didnt think of it as a problem well I do and don’t if that makes sense but can’t stop my self another thing to add to the list of mental problems
I don’t know how old you are, but this is one of the wisest, most insightful things I’ve read about American culture. Rich America (including middle class) tries to ignore how the other half lives, sweep it under the rug as if poverty and racism and poor education are problems of last century. But I honestly believe it’s getting worse, and your observations back that up. All I can say is that the country and the world needs people like you who see these problems and who want to do something about it. Grab your guitar and bus fare to the nearest big city and try your luck being homeless there. It’ll probably suck just as bad as where you are now, but at least you won’t be in a dead end.
Thank you, it helps to hear that im not alone in my thinking. I dont hate the everyone here, but i have a general distrust towards any country’s political leaders. Im not a communist, i just beleive that if your people are well fed, hydrated, housed, and have proper health, (physical, emotional, and mental) than we will be more productive workers. We have to invest in the people, because without the people there is no country. If i didnt have to contemplate suicide, money, bills, losing freinds to drug addiction, etc on a daily basis, i would have more time to figure out how to clean the floating trash islands in the ocean and hopefully prolong the human existence by a few extra decades.
I gotta agree with that. There should be a baseline level of comfort provided to all people. Misery becomes the catalyst for crime which in turn causes more misery. I’ve lived near enough ghettos to know that some people are so desperate they’ll cut your throat for $10. I mean, all humans suck to a degree, but poverty and desperation brings out the worst in the human race. What I’m worried about with our current political climate is that we have all these politicians who are rallying on a “get tough” stance, build walls, drop bombs, clean house, kick anyone’s ass who gets in the way of our greatness. How’s that working for us so far? Have we cleaned up the threat that blew up the world trade center 15 years ago yet, or have we just made more enemies? The same can be said about domestic policy, if we treat poor people like they don’t exist, they will storm your castles and chop off your head like in the French Revolution. It’s human nature. Problem is our politicians aren’t psychologists or philosophers. They’re lawyers. Well thanks for the opportunity to rant lol. You really have a great way of writing and making people think.
Please don’t kill yourself until you write at least 1 book.
Well that was insightful. You went threw alot before the age of 14 that is rough . hopefully you will be able to leave that job and find some peace.
Thank you Kupo. Off topic question, did your name come from Final Fantasy?
Yes it did
I like putting foreign objects in my butt.
Hahaha, that made me laugh 🙂 thanks
Er, I think my post got edited there. I wrote something along the lines of murder-suicide and justice, but yeah… Try being more optimistic. Things could always be worse and sometimes life actually gets better.
Just to let you know, there’s a difference between charities and the welfare system. With charity, you take some of your money and give it to a person or organization that you want. Welfare, which most people consider “freeloading”, is when then government takes your taxes and puts it towards whatever cause they want. You don’t get to choose where your money goes, the government does. This is not charity because people are being forces to pay.
If you actually look at how much money people get if they’re on the welfare program, they get about 3x as much as they would from just working a minimum wage job. AKA, people get more money from welfare compared to a job, so why have a job? At least, that’s the mentality of scumbags. Welfare was originally created to help people when they just lost their job, but it’s become a way of life, many people’s main source and sometimes only source of income. Of course, there are many people that are on it who actually need it. Like handicapped people who can’t work, older people who have a hard time moving around, and people who are down on their luck and need a temporary helping hand. So when you hear people complaining about freeloading, theyre talking about welfare receiptients who are able to work or look able to work.
But onto that asshole calling you a “******”, what the hell? He seems like he’s trying to hide that he’s gay or something. God, he the shit he said. Why even go into that detail. You have to put up with a lot of shit