The demons in my head are eating me alive. I can’t get over the mistakes I’ve made, the stupid decisions I’ve made. The heartbreak that was my fault.
What if all your decisions have been mistakes? Maybe we are in our own hell bc we unknowingly created it, with each decision we make or don’t make. What if we are so broken mentally that we are incapable of making good decisions? It’s not obvious stupid shit like we’re doing drugs, or choosing to drink, or not finishing school, or the like. I mean decisions we make that we THINK are good but really are stupid, and we’re too stupid to realize they’re actually stupid decisions?
I look at some people IRL- I can look at them from a distance, from a more “logical” standpoint. And I can see the mistakes they routinely make, the bad decisions they make, over and over again. But they can’t see it that they’re constantly making stupid decisions. What if we, ourselves, are the same? That we make stupid choices but are too stupid / myopic to see that it’s stupid, and thus we keep fucking ourselves over?
How can we stop ourselves from unknowing self-destruction? What if we are the cause of our own misery? And if we are too stupid to see we are making bad decisions, then how do we stop ourselves from making bad decisions? We can ask others, but what if we are too stubborn to listen bc we’ve heard the same shit from others? (think happy, blah blah). I’ve shut off input from people bc I think they’re mostly annoying. And bc I think most people aren’t all that smart themselves and they don’t know MY life at all- What if their stupid, annoying advice really IS the best advice? What if the best thing to do is to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is good and “think positive” and all that annoying shit? Does thinking negative ever help us?
I don’t know anymore. I thought I made all the right decisions, but were they all wrong? Aren’t we all our own worst enemies? I can’t live with myself. The demons in my head are killing me from the inside out.
I just don’t want to be me anymore. The “me” is too broken. And I’m too tired and exhausted to fix it. Not that I know how anyway.
12 comments
@bah… as you see i never post person stuff … because i am unable to, but this post is exactly me.. and i dont know what to do about.. even if it gets better … i always mess it up… but if misery loves company we r best mates
It’s true we are blind to our decision and choices and self destruction I’m deferently one for that one reason I’m in this dark hole in the first place
I know how you feel. I ruin everything.
Everone is different, but from what i can tell you’re very strong. You can make it through this, and we’ll be here every step of the way. Don’t forget that we care, and we are supporting you.
There comes a point when you’re so broken, you don’t think you can come out of it. I’ve been knocked down so many times, but this time, it’s different. I’m too tired to fight it anymore. I’m too physically ill. And most of all, I’ve lost my will to live. When you no longer have that WANT, that DESIRE, everything goes to shit bc you’re just waking up another day and going through the motions to barely keep you alive.
Have you tried antidepressants? What’s work like?
I don’t believe in drugs.
I totally relate to what you are saying. I have read countless self help books, spiritual books etc. in a futile attempt to better myself. I don’t think it helps a damn thing to fake being happy or try to just think positive but I do think that we somewhat create our own reality through our beliefs. Not just surface thoughts but our deep down in our gut beliefs. The problem is, how do you change those? If you were told your whole life that you are a piece of garbage and every experience you have ever had confirms that, how can you possibly just wake up one day and truly believe otherwise? It’s an endless cycle. I wish I knew how to change it.
Those were just examples. What I really mean is, depression and our thoughts, and our self-doubts, they sabotage us because it makes us not try. It makes us not go out and do things. It makes us stay home instead of going out and meeting people and making friends. Well- those things are so exhausting. Bc you try so hard and get nowhere, and people IRL still don’t like you. I guess all that dark, negative and angry energy I give off. I used to pretend I was fine and confident and happy to the outside world- but now I’m too tired to even fake it. So now I don’t even go out anymore (also lots of physical issues too keeping me in).
I don’t know. I just don’t want to be me anymore. The “me” is too broken.
Ok man I’m here if u want to chat
Bah I no that feeling iv lost the will to live and I no what it’s like just going though the motion I can’t call it a day yet I don’t no why
I hate these feelings as you describe as I have them too. Shit, I even just checked myself into a psych ward Monday out of desperation, and all it did was seem to make things worse, not to dump more fuel onto the defeating fire, but it just feels, a few wrong turns and once you get stuck, you’re stuck. I hate it.