i don’t know what to write here. i just feel bad. angry, bitter, the works. nothing makes me happy these days. i’ve fallen back on a lot of old, terrible habits. i’ve gained more weight from binge eating. i’m stressed because the weather is getting warmer, but i have new scars littering my arm that prevent me from wearing short sleeves. my brother still hates me. my best friend doesn’t feel like a friend anymore. i majorly fucked up my gpa and my standing in school, which means my chances of transferring to another university, never mind a good one, have become incredibly slim. my father is going to be so irate when he learns i failed to transfer. if i leave this house, i have nowhere to go. i don’t want to live with my dad. being around him makes me so suicidal. he makes me feel like a worthless piece of trash, like my only reason for existence is to please him and make him look good. but i can’t stay here too much longer. my brother only hates me more and more as time goes on. i’m so tired of tiptoeing around him to make sure he doesn’t get angry at me, not that he’s not always angry anyway. he’s just like our dad. i’m not good at anything, even easy things, so i have no idea what to major in. it’s hard to plan and envision my future when suicide is constantly on my mind. what’s the point of agonizing over a career when i’m going to kill myself anyway? what’s the point of anything.
but i’m so afraid of pain. i don’t want to spend my last few moments in agony as the breath leaves my body. i have many means to kill myself, but none of the courage. i wish i had just finished the job at age 14 instead of panicking midway and giving up. i could have spared everyone 7 years of my bullshit. i’m so sorry i’m alive.
3 comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.. *hugs*
I can relate to the GPA thing, along with the weight thing… I can relate to a few things you said…
Anyways, lots of hugs..
If you wanna talk, you can email me.. treygo 47 @gmail .com
After the last time my family decided to be extra dysfunctional (aprox 8 months ago), I’ve gained 18kg. I was losing weight for years and they just crushed all my efforts. I was really bitter and angry but I decided not to give up and for the past month I’ve lost 3kg with a healthy diet and a little exercising. Weight is fixable. Yeah, knowing you sabotaged yourself sucks, but… we gotta move forward… or some inspirational shit like that.
The sole fact that you are going to school means you have strength in you. My mother really wanted me to get accepted in university. So I got accepted. Just to quit couple of days later because of an extra pinch of suicidal thoughts. More like a mountain of thoughts. Not to mention the social anxiety. I know my limits and for my own good I left. I try to restrain myself from giving advice cuz I’m not exactly the epitome of successful but…. if uni makes you feel miserable/suicidal maybe you should rethink what you want to do with your life. Education is not the key to a fulfilling life. You are. And there are never guarantees you will be able to make money with your degree. My family is literally paying bills by selling shit on ebay. People buy everything these days.
I relate to you a lot. Try to be kind to yourself. I know it’s hard. And I know everybody says that, but it’s true. Maybe you should stay alive to at least see what life is when you’re on your own and have the freedom to be yourself. Best wishes~
jasa,
Those are a lot of bad things you listed, but the good thing is that most of them, if not all, are fixable! You could tell your father that his attitude towards you is making you depressed and adding stress that you do not need right now. Tell him what you need from him, whatever you think that is. Siblings are going to have conflict, but you do not need to try and protect his feelings. He is going to feel the way he does regardless of what you say or do, so I suggest you make sure you know that you matter too. Your grades can improve with effort, you know that. I know it feels like the world is caving in, but know that you have the ability to change it. Good luck with everything.