Lately I have felt like a bit of a hypocrite, considering death for myself while still feeling anxiety about friends who are considering the exact same thing. I want them to stay, yet I want the “get out” option for myself. Not quite sure how to process that.
I find myself writing two opposite types of music lately:
(1) Batshit-crazy chaos, and
(2) Peaceful calmness.
Am I somehow capturing the aforementioned duplicity in musical form?
Since I’ve finished a few of my projects lately, I started a new piece today. After working out the first few measures, it looks like this is going to be another chaotic angsty one.
oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo
38 comments
Examples of my angsty stuff:
http://suicideproject.org/2016/03/my-new-music/
http://suicideproject.org/2016/04/answering-the-challenge-my-unsettling-dozen/
http://suicideproject.org/2016/04/the-heart-begs-new-composition/
Examples of calm peaceful stuff:
http://suicideproject.org/2016/02/lets-just-pretend-this-works/
http://suicideproject.org/2016/03/testing-the-waters-2/
http://suicideproject.org/2016/04/new-composition-singularity/
I have been doing the same thing, but when you think about there’s a lot of people here doing the same, perfect example is whiskered fish, how wonderful she is to everybody and so down on herself. And again I’m guilty of the same thing. I look at it as progress for me. I also feel that for some of us it comes age because we have managed to get this far in our lives. There’s been times I was ready to put a new matching set of holes in my head but came here and was calmed down because of yourself and others, and times I’ve felt like that but read somebody else’s post and was able to calm them down and after them saying that what I said had helped them, it helped me. That’s just my take, just something to think about.
I agree Whiskered_Fish is amazing.
There are so many amazing people here, it seems like a horrible shame to lose any of us.
And yet I hypocritically expect the rest of you not to worry about whether I am gone. (And yet somehow I feel warm and fuzzy when you all assure me that you care anyway.)
I can panic for the sake of your lives, but not necessarily my own.
From a psychological/philosophical perspective, I find that interesting.
From a social perspective, it just makes me sound like a two-faced jerk.
And again I disagree, to be a jerk there has to be malice, and I see no malice in you. I see a caring woman who cares more about others than herself. To be selfless does make you two faced, neither does helping someone through hard times while going through them yourself. That just shows the caliber of person you actually are, and I applaud you for that. Stop being so damn hard on yourself because you don’t deserve it. Give you the same love and caring that you give to others . You can love and support complete strangers, love and support yourself too. And if loving and caring for yourself means coming here to get it from the same people that you help, then so be it. You owe yourself at least that much.
“You owe yourself at least that much.”
What I owed myself today was a few tacos and some Mountain Dew.
Debt: Paid.
🙂
Thank you for being kind and supportive.
Angsty chaos is the best kind. I think you’re running into a basic dichotomy of psychological distress: it’s not pleasant, so it’s unpleasant seeing it in others, and it’s natural to want for others to be free from it, even while thinking you’re not free from it yourself. Or something like that. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, just a metal pin.
I agree that angsty chaos has its benefits, especially when trying to translate it into art forms.
I think that most (if not all) the best artists, composers, and writers we treasure have had lots of experience with angsty chaos and suffering and conflict.
Art makes something beautiful (or at least thought-provoking) out of darkness and pain. That’s such an amazing thing.
Trent Reznor would probably agree. So would Jack London, probably. That’s what life is, I think – a bunch of chaos and confusion. We live in a world where lemurs exist. Drunken capuchins run rampant through the streets of Rio.
Cordless you are an extraordinary woman and that is the truth, and I’m so glad that we’ve met because you have helped me out alot whether you know it or not. And I’m quite sure that there are others here like myself that will give you the same love and support that you give us. That in itself is a pretty comforting thought. ( it is for me ) to be able to have somewhere, anywhere to go to find help ( even if it’s just a kind word ) And not be judged is the best feeling in the world sometimes, just sayin
I agree it is a relief to be among people who don’t judge.
I’m glad you’ve found my words helpful, even if I have no idea what I said. 😉
I vaguely remember a conversation about peanut butter cups and squirrels, which was pretty awesome, in an “OHMYGOD-EVERYONE’S-FROM-MICHIGAN-THEY’RE-GOING-TO-STALK-ME-AND-KILL-ME” kind of way.
I think we also mentioned bunnies on motorcycles.
Cordless, if you’re a hypocrite than so am I. Perhaps, maybe even more than just us. However, the fact you understand and acknowledge your complexities is amazing. In this world of conflicting ideologies and perceptions, it is far too easy to turn a blind eye to internal struggles. The fact you still retain your kindness, your humanity is amazing in itself.
It takes a lot more courage than people realize to stare into the eyes of your demons.
My demons like to stare back until I have disintegrated.
Sometimes kindness is the only remaining thing I’m still capable of doing.
Yep, biker bunnies, half tail squirrels, pb cups, and everybody’s from Michigan, but don’t worry, I’m way too old and lazy to stalk anybody. Hell I can’t find myself half the time lol
That’s good, because I’m too slow and crippled to run away. 😉
the offer to push you in your wheelchair still stands.
Can you outrun stalkers and push me at the same time?
Given enough bipolar manic courage I am capable of just about anything you need.
Given enough bipolar manic courage I am capable of just about anything you need.
Twice, even!
Yup. AND I’ll weed all our flowerbeds, clean out the car and polish the rims on your wheelchair.
In the height of mania, I picture you fending off stalkers with amazing ninja nunchuck skills, like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P12pcUmCbi4
At the other extreme, I can see you turning to the stalkers and saying “Meh. I’ll hold her down while you grab the rusty hatchet.”
youtube.com/watch?v=X6Z133vkqC8
skip to 2:59 LOL.
Well dammit you guys can’t leave me out. I change my mind, I’ll be the stalker
I knew it!!!
Well, I’m very happy that music can at least siphon those batshit crazy feelings and thoughts out of you and into the larger world. I’m glad that it gives you a way to cope. (Not to mention that you’re talented as Hell).
Did you know that there’s a constructed language that can be “spoken” entirely through music? It’s called Solresol. Very interesting.
I wonder how you might say “please kill me” in Solresol.
What a neat idea! I’ve never heard of Solresol before.
It makes sense, though… the scale is “Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti Do”
So it would be Sol + Re + Sol.
Don’t worry, I’m too directionally challenged to even find anyone to be a stalker.
Thank goodness; I’m not sure I could handle multiple stalkers at once.
😮
I got Google maps and finally figured out how to use it, I got this, ( was gonna say I’ll find you, but that was even a little too creepy for me ) lmao
Whoa whoa whoa, calm down there winter girl, I already called stalker, that’s like calling shotgun, so to recap, I’m the stalker, cordless is the stalkee, and you’re cleaning the car and weeding the garden.
What makes it even more complicated is that AlanOminous already claimed the spot of stalker a month or two ago, but then I decided I would turn the tables and stalk him instead (because why not?)
So I forget who has dibs on stalking who.
Maybe you could all agree on a 1st-shift, 2nd-shift, 3rd-shift sort of arrangement.
(Note to self: Lock the door)
No, wait, it was Hazy that offered to clean the car and weed the garden.
Yes she did, I guess the three of us will have to switch up cleaning, gardening, and stalking you. Let me put a ( lol ) here in case we get turned in to the cops.
Ok… so you and Alan and Wintergirl will take turns stalking me,
And I will have a part-time job stalking Alan,
And Hazy will do the landscaping and car-washing and wheelchair-pushing on the days when the canes and leg braces and walker aren’t enough.
For depressed people, we sure are busy.
Depressed or nutz ??? Ahhh hell I don’t think it really matters, does it ???
It might to the judge….
Lmao. I will not stalk you cordless because I will get lost and it would cost too much money to take a greyhound bus. I don’t have a vehicle. If I did though I would probably bring you snacks.
Yay for snacks!