My life is characterized by an inability to accept reality. Some would say I have an addictive personality. I don’t know if that’s accurate. But I do spend most of each day trying to find something that will make me feel ok with the world, just for a few minutes. I can push my fears to the back of my mind to varying degrees, but they’re never really gone.
Every now and then I try to face my fears, to drive them away. But inevitably I end up crushed. My life just seems too bleak, the obstacles too impossible to overcome. So I turn away again and try to lose myself. Which is tolerable, during the day. But then the little energy I have drains away. And I can’t run or fight it anymore. And I’m trapped with this despair inside, eating away at me. No way to distract myself from it. And I just want it to end.
I wish I could accept things as they are, without all this negative reaction. Deep down inside I have these stupid ideas of how life should be, and my mind won’t let go. Maybe I’ve spent too much time watching tv & movies. Or reading books. Taking in these idealized narratives of people with worthwhile lives. And I’m just that much less capable of measuring up to them than most around me.
It’s like there’s this splinter in my mind, stopping me from ever feeling peace, telling me everything is wrong and unacceptable. And it’s burrowed so deep into my personality that now it’s integral to who I am. I can’t let it go, because then I’m nothing. It’s all that drives me, but unfortunately it drives me into despair.
2 comments
I sort of have an addictive personality in some ways too… or OCD. I just try to go through every moment being as present as possible, and trying not to think too much about everything I want but don’t have. Some days I can manage, other days I relapse into self-sabotaging behavior. Eh. I need to go get some food. Good food helps.
I sometimes try to get through the day being present in the moment, but I don’t think I’m able to do it right. I find all my little physical discomforts and irritations become magnified and start to seem unbearable when I try to pay attention to what’s actually going on in the moment. I have fairly constant skin and digestive problems, and although they’re not too excruciating most of the time, they’re usually present to some extent. But I’ve heard some people with even severe pain are able to deal with it through mindfulness/meditation, so maybe I should look more carefully at how to get in that frame of mind.