I love my parents. It’s something I forget most of the time. They’ve done so much for me. The idea of making them deal with my suicide is something I just can’t justify. It seems like the ultimate act of ingratitude – a slap in the face I’m not sure they’d ever recover from. I’m a selfish asshole, but I just don’t think I could do it. I don’t want to ruin the happiness they have left.
But I don’t think I’m capable of being functional either. I’m this sack of misery and despair. Everything is exhausting. Everything is aggravating. Everything is a reminder that I will never experience the happiness of those around me.
I don’t know how to be ok with that. To be happy being isolated and looked down on. Alone, when everyone I know has someone. Being the weird social outcast people talk about.
I don’t know how to pretend to be ok when I’m not. I just don’t have the motivation to keep that kind of act up. I don’t want to screw up the lives of those around me. But I’m just not selfless enough to be able to hold myself together and give the consistent appearance of someone who isn’t miserable.
I don’t know what to do.
12 comments
*sigh* me too. Living in that in-between state of wanting to live for others, but also not able to.
I just wish I could make a clear decision, one way or the other. I mean if I’m going to live, I should make the best of it. But all I can focus on is how crap everything makes me feel.
I’m getting to the point where it’s harder and harder to live for others. I’m distancing myself as much as I can’t. I keep reading about death and suicide and I think in a way I’m pushing myself towards that. Because I can’t keep living in this limbo. I have a plan but whenever I think about it in detail, I get nervous. It’s a big thing, you know? So I think I completely understand where you’re coming from. I think you need to really assess what your problems are and the likelihood of actually overcoming them. Do it in a rational, non emotional way.
*distancing myself as much as I can. Can’t type today, dammit.
I can’t see any way of overcoming my main problems. I still have a small amount of hope on some days, but I don’t think it has any rational basis – it’s more about clinging to fantasy and refusing to accept reality.
I’ve never really come across an example of someone with my issues who’s managed to really overcome them, and I spent a long time looking. The conclusion I tend to reach is that it’s just tough luck and something you have to accept. But I don’t know how.
Hi Misery
I see you have two parents who love you, whom you obviously love, this leads me to believe you know how to love and be loved…this is a lot to work with from where i stand. Can i ask y the despair?
What are/is your problem, if you don’t mind me asking?
It’s complicated, and I don’t want to go into specifics. But put simply, the main issue is that I’ve done, seen, and wanted awful things, which alienates me from other people. To the extent that I can’t see how anybody could ever want anything to do with me, if they knew the truth.
So any relationships I build have to be based on deceptions. Whenever I’ve had friends I’ve always had to maintain a front 100% of the time. I can never really relax or enjoy anyone’s company, because I know that if they knew the truth, they would hate me, as any decent person should.
Basically, even when I’m with people, I feel incredibly alone. I have to keep everyone at a distance, and any friendships stay superficial, before eventually drifting apart. Nobody really knows me. Even my parents have no idea who I really am. I am completely alone.
I do that too- put on a front because I don’t think people will like or accept the person I really am. Probably not for the same reasons you do. I don’t know what it is that you feel like you have to hide, but it may not be as bad as you are imagining. Or maybe it is, BUT, I believe that people can do or think really awful things, but not truly be bad people. Because there’s always a valid reason for why. People don’t choose these things, it’s just the result of circumstances and lots of other things out of your control. Nobody chooses to do things that are going to shun them from society – it’s a coping mechanism. The only exception, I think, is if you’re a psychopath. But those people have no conscience, so if you’re worried about these things, you are obviously not one. If you wanted to share more, I would be happy to listen.
I’m fairly sure it is as bad as I imagine. I’m not a psychopath, but I am a genuinely bad person, in terms of how I see and relate to others. No matter how many times I tell myself I’ll change, that part of me is still there.
There are reasons why I am how I am, but I wouldn’t say they were ‘valid’. They certainly don’t provide an excuse. I chose the things I’ve done. I may not have fully appreciated the consequences at first. But even after they’d dawned on me, I went back and did it again.
And I can say that by that point I was already hopeless, and maybe it was a coping mechanism. But that doesn’t change anything. I made that decision, over and over again. And then I stopped for a few months, and told myself I would never do it again. But I did, as soon as life got a little bit harder to deal with. And although the things I do these days aren’t quite as awful, that part of me is still the same. And I know I could go back at any moment. And a large part of me wants to. My thoughts are still the same. The only small change was the circumstances.
I appreciate your taking the time to listen.
Any time 🙂
I don’t think there is much reason to live for somebody else, even your family – suffering for somebody else just looses its sense after some time, there is only limited amount of suffering that any relationship can hold.
The good thing is that if you are contemplating this, you are not as fucked to have suicide as the only option. I know your feelings, but I also know the state where the family is just a background for schizo-existencial drama in my head.
I don’t know if this helps you, just one tiny coment