I can’t be this anymore. I need to be someone else. Someone who didn’t waste all his formative years. Who can stand being around other people. Who can maintain social links without hating himself. Who has some semblance of a life.
There are so many things I should’ve done. And so many things I shouldn’t.
I just can’t face the shame. I’m always terrified of other people seeing that I’m such a pathetic, selfish coward. That I’ve just hidden away for so many years, and allowed others to take on my responsibilities.
But turning it all around – I just don’t know how. Whenever I have to face up to it I just get overwhelmed by the urge to run. Nothing matters, the world seems awful, and I just want out. I just can’t stick to it. Sooner or later I’ll look for a way out, a way to escape that feeling.
I have nothing that can get me through that feeling. No beliefs, convictions, or friends. Everything is awful, and I am worthless. And if I can’t deal with that, then I should just die.
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You’re not worthless.
That’s how I feel, socially at least. Someone with no place in the world, who means nothing to anybody. Who should just crawl off and die. I’ve never known how to deal with that feeling – of being less than, inferior. I used to tell myself that some day I would be good enough, but it’s bullshit.
What (in your opinion) makes someone “good enough”?
I struggle with feeling ‘less than’ too…
Maybe it’s like this, If you’re alive you’re good enough. the story ends the same for everyone who is born. We all will one day die.
It’s hard to say, and there is a highly perfectionist side to me, so there are times when only being the ‘best’ by any measure would be good enough.
But disregarding that, I think just basic social competency. Being able to interact with people without taking every slight personally. Being quick enough on the uptake to make jokes. Not having embarrassing body issues. Just being able to interact with people naturally without being crippled by worries that I’ll say or do something stupid. I would’ve settled for that.
I wish I could see just being alive as good enough. But the only meaning I can see in life comes with other people. No man is an island.
me too. i have no friends currently.. no life… and it seems that if i continue being worthless only thing will happen is that i will run away. thats what im good for anyway….i always run away..
but i keep trying! because i still got you guys..
I’m sorry you feel similarly. It’s admirable that you keep trying.
If you have no beliefs, convictions, or friends to help you through that feeling, foster them. It’s never too late to incorporate new beliefs and convictions. Friends are a bit tricky, but just keep reaching out to people who you connect with. Don’t get overwhelmed this time and turn it around, it’s possible.
I don’t know how to foster beliefs or convictions. Every mantra or idea I try to develop and cling to crumbles as soon as I have to face reality. None of it really means anything.
I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. I’m too far gone. Even when I’m trying to reach out my behavior just pushes people away.
I can’t stop myself from getting overwhelmed. The fear is too great. It’s all I can focus on.
That’s most likely because you didn’t believe in those ideas or mantras. If you truly believe in something, then nothing in reality will shake that. You just need to find that thing that you truly believe.
Almost no one is too far gone to connect to people. Also, If you think that your behavior is pushing people away, then try to change it.
Well then find out what the source of that fear is. In many cases fear builds way out of proportion.
There’s always something a person can do.
Believe me, I’ve spent years looking for something to really believe in. I came up with a big fat zero. Ultimately, I think there’s just nothingness. Which would be fine, except for some reason part of me wants to go on living. Which is hard, when part of you knows it’s meaningless. Let’s just say I’m conflicted. I try to manufacture justifications to cling to, but like you said, when things get tough, I don’t really believe them.
Beyond putting on some kind of elaborate pretense (which I feel would rule out any real connection), I don’t know how to stop pushing people away. I manage it even when I think I’m being friendly and helpful.
My fear runs very deep, though many of the triggers are shallow. I’ve spent years trying to confront it, and think my way round it, but nothing can make it ok.
If you truly believe, into the very center of your “soul” that there is only nothingness, then that’s fine. Value the world that you see before your eyes, the physical world. There hasn’t always to be meaning.
Ah, well mull over those previous instances. Think of the status of the relationship, your actions, the person’s actions, everything. People don’t just up and go, many times they have their own reasons.
That sounds like general anxiety to me. Fear is something specific and visceral. Either way, anxiety is something that can be managed. There’s a whole lot of people that experience the same thing.
I find it very hard to value the world I see before my eyes. I feel the need for meaning. Otherwise there’s just fear, and pain. And why put yourself through that? But part of me still feels like I should.
There are specific roots to my anxiety – reasons I’ve identified that I feel as I do. It feels pretty visceral when it’s at it’s worst, with plenty of physical symptoms, but maybe anxiety is a better descriptor than fear.
I don’t feel like most of the techniques for managing anxiety really help me. My physical symptoms are largely triggered by environment, and I don’t really feel CBT has made a difference to them. The roots of my fear/anxiety are very resistant to reasoned solutions. I haven’t been able to find any way to normalize my self-perception. Medication didn’t seem to help. Attempts at mindfulness just seem to make me more aware of the physical symptoms, which then increases the anxiety.
I feel like I’ve tried so hard to manage it. But it just won’t go. Because deep down, I deserve to feel this way.
Maybe that’s why you’re finding it difficult to handle. If you believe that you deserve this, you’ll never be fully committed in fighting this. Also, no one deserves to feel the way you do. There are very few things in life a person deserves, no matter what the circumstances are.
I find it very hard not to believe I deserve this. Every message I get from society is that I deserve this. My conscience (such as it is) tells me I deserve this.
I can’t reject that without also rejecting the conventions of the society around me. Which leaves me alone.
Can you give me examples of how society is giving you messages that you deserve this?
It’s complicated, because it’s based on the things I’ve done in my life. But from the media, and talking to people irl, the overwhelming message is that people like me deserve to burn in hell. That no punishment is too much. And I can absolutely sympathize with that sentiment.
I’ve tried so hard to look for some kind of message that shows a way out of it. But there’s just nothing.
Well media is extremely unreliable, as well as just talking to some people. Also, the only people that may possibly deserve to burn in hell are murderers and abusers. If you’re not one of those, then there’s some serious cognitive dissonance, and misconceptions, going on.