Skeptical, but willing to try.

People tell me talking about my problems helps the healing process to being. I’m skeptical, but willing to try almost anything to get me to stop thinking these thoughts. Let me begin by telling a little bit about myself. I’m a male, 28, and an independent fundamental baptist. I don’t tell anyone what I’m feeling or thinking; the fact I’m doing this is extremely uncharacteristic of me. I’ve been having these suicidal thoughts for at least a decade (since high school) with on and off degrees of intensity. My most common prayer is that God will kill me during the night, I don’t think he’ll ever answer it even though I know he answers many of my other ones.

My thoughts come from a deep-seated feeling that I’ll never go anywhere in life. there’s no motivation to succeed or get better at my job. For years I’m content putting in the smallest of efforts in anything I do (except for video games and religion). It didn’t help that I had an addiction to porn since high school (though I’ve never had a girlfriend and still virgin) and that addiction has brought me so far down. Remember I’m keeping all of this to myself, not once speaking of anything to friends (now friendless), family, my pastor.

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve confessed to a girl, been rejected every time. Each time it’s harder to ask someone out. I gave up on building a relationship with a woman, I fully intended to die single. I was fine with that. And then I met Nicole. Joy was coming back to my life. She was/is 16 years older than I am and it shouldn’t work, I’ve never had feelings for someone that much older than me, but it was working. I met her at work. I began to open up to her in ways I never thought possible. It was easy to talk to her. But one day recently she got fired from her job hated her and was jealous that Nicole was talking to her boss’s husband about work. Nicole was a lawyer’s assistant and both her boss and husband worked in the same firm. It was completely stupid, but whatever.

The day I learned she was fired I contacted her via cellphone (first time ever calling and testing a girl mind you) to give her some emotional support.She was acting strange as you’d expect. In less than an hour she called me both kind and dangerous, asked me if I had feelings for her to which I said yes, and she asked me to come over, but not for any sexual activity. Being both Christians, (I’m actually trying to become a missionary), knowing what the Bible says about this kind of thing and how God would feel about me going to her house at 1 in the morning I declined. I feel that was the single worst decision of my life.

Nicole cut off all means of communication between us in the middle of the conversation. With no mutual friends I have to way to contact, I don’t know where she lives. Won’t answer my calls or texts. She expressed to me that she hated living here in the town and only came because of the job and so she can be near her mom and stepdad. She’s originally from Seattle. I’m scared out of my mind that she might have done something to herself or moved out of state or something. I keep looking for her name in local, other city, state obituaries. If she had only rejected me I could live with it, I’m used to it. If she wants to cut off all communication with me I’m also fine with that, again I’m used to it. But under these circumstances there is not only a deep feeling of loneliness and rejection, but also of guilt knowing she anything happened to her I’m the cause.

So from then till now (almost been a week since I heard she was fired) it’s like these thoughts came back with a vengeance. I began seriously thinking about ways to die and decided on one. I’ve lost even joy from playing video games, all food tastes bland to me, can’t sleep well, always lethargic. Can’t even bring myself to ask God for help.

Elijah the prophet (you can read about him in 1st Kings 18-19) wanted to die after doing his most amazing miracle and then getting depressed that people still anted to kill him. So he hid and asked God to kill him. I look back on that story and see how he got over it and the only thing I see is that God didn’t tell him to get working again until he had something to eat and a short break. I’m already about 4 to 6 of 10 in favor of dying (it was much worse last week), but I don’t know if I’ll make it if I see her Nicole’s name in the obituaries.