So this is my first post here. Let’s take a moment of silence for my mental health, because it’s clearly not great right now.
It’s been poor for a while, actually. Here’s some context, draw what conclusions you wish- 25 years old, three time university drop out, addict, alcoholic, factory worker, closeted gay man, iq of 154.
Anyway, back to aforementioned poor mental health. My homeostatic mental health is typically not great. But recently, I relapsed. While at work. And got caught. So now I’ve lost a very high paying job, for relapsing. Another achievement to add to my list. My life is mostly comprised of failures, the only thing I’ve completed in the last 5 years, other than video games, is rehab. Now I can add unemployed to my list of adjectives. Anyway, so that happened. There’s a good, strong situational stressor.
There’s enough happening that I really don’t feel a need to continue. I have an exit bag and a large canister of helium. My affairs have been put mostly in order. When I’ve finished arranging my “estate”, I’m going to drive to the beach at night and do the deed. I’ve given it thought, for years now, and I’ve surpassed the “cool down” period of a week since the situational stressor occurred. This feels right, but I know it isn’t. I’m not stupid, this is stupid. But with no evidence that things get better, what other conclusion is fitting?
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I don’t know if I want to be talked down, validated or invalidated. It feels okay to spew for a bit though.
11 comments
Welcome to SP. I’m new here as well. I’m eighteen years old, one time high school dropout (I’m back at it now), former addict, heterosexual, and most likely not as intelligent as you. I too, have poor mental health. I’m not saying I know exactly what you’re going through and what you have gone through. But I do know what having mental illness is like. It obviously blows. It’s the reason I dropped out of school and I assume it is what has led you to drop out as well? I’m only taking a guess. As hypocritical as it may sound, because I too want to kill myself, I don’t want you to kill yourself. Again, I don’t know all that you are going and have gone through, but all I ask is that you at least wait a bit longer before you decide to end it. If you wanna talk about whatever is bothering you I suspect that I’ll be up for a bit longer. I apologize for the rambling and if this seems incoherent at all. I’m finally starting to get tired.
Thanks for the concern. I’ve scheduled a few appointments with my counselor and psychiatrist, that should keep me going for a few days. And when they hospitalize me, haha, that will add a few more. I’m fairly sure I’ll make it through, it’s just a bad culmination of situational stressors and actively volatile mental disorders.
Welcome to the forum.
What makes you say that you know this isn’t right?
It can be certain that the best way to end my pain is not a way that also hurts everyone around me. My mental health has given me a pretty bad case of anhedonia, but it’s not enough to allow me to make a move at the expense of everyone I know.
Well, I happen to enjoy intellectual introverts, especially socially backward ones.
You are focusing on your lacks. I hope you find someone in real life who can hold a mirror to you so you can see your strengths.
Maybe you should embrace your authentic self, including your homosexuality and give it another go.
As for the helium and the bag, unfortunately, they now are mixing the helium with O2, so you’ll probably end up having a nap on the sand. Hang with us for awhile. You want to. How do I know? Your very first words: “This is my first post here.”
I look forward for your second post.
I will make a conscious effort. I’d like to believe there’s a reason to contemplate my positives, but when the traits that manufacture all the consequences, both good and bad, are the negatives, it’s hard to give them weight.
As for the helium, I… Am frustrated that I didn’t account for dilution. It’s ~20/80. You are likely correct.
Perfectly honest, did not even know they were mixing helium now. You have had alot on your plate that’s for sure bud. I can relate, not trying to write a novel for you here, but summarizing it all… I did attempt suicide about a year ago, just making sure you understand, I lost a high paying job, my wife of 5 years, was completely alone, and also no longer had a bed to sleep in. So I decided to take my own life, because honestly I just don’t want to live anymore, and woke up in a hospital about a month and a half later with a huge scar on my neck. Now I also have crippling medical bills to boot. So I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, trust me I have been there, but whatever you decide be absolutely careful about the results. Honestly, I have no idea how I’m supposed to pay all this off now.
You should know that nobody has any evidence of things that will take place in the future. The future doesn’t even exist and although we may have plans for what we’re going to do tomorrow, it may not work out for any of us. So we’re all in the same boat essentially, no matter what kind of situation you have.
Godspeed, no matter your choice. I hope you reconsider though. You sound smart and I like the way you write. There are not many smart people in this world and it would be a shame to lose one.
Thank you for your kind words. It’s definitely tough right now. I’m all about evidence based science, and when all the previous evidence has shown poor results, I can’t imagine why future efforts would show a different result. Medication has not helped as I would like it to, given a complicated diagnosis of depression, OCD, PTSD, anxiety and Bipolar. I’ve been studying psychology and pharmacology on and off for years, both academically and casually, so I know that progress is bound to be slow, but still likely. This situation is making it difficult to find the bright side of much.
No one will advocate for your own health, mental or physical, as you will for yourself. Don’t accept every diagnosis that’s handed to you. I am not a doctor or therapist, so use your best judgment. And I admit my personal experience and observations I have made of the “help” others have received have soured me to the process. But for whatever the fuck it’s worth, this is what I noticed.
I was never “manic” or “hypomanic” until I went on Paxil.
I had mild suicidal ideation until I was put on anti-depressants.
When I finally did (and very nearly succeeded) in killing myself, and was admitted to a mental ward for “treatment”, the staff’s approach was to shame me (“How could you be so selfish?”) and to put me on a drug full strength that is supposed to be increased gradually (side effects galore), which made me incapable of functioning as a normal human being.
>>What is even more screwed up than that, is that I had all the symptoms of hypothyroidism (which includes depression) but no one thought to investigate, much less treat, an organic or root cause for the depression or any of my other symptoms because my T3 & T4 values were technically in the “normal range”. Now that I am on thyroid medication, my depression has abated, my hair has grown back, my metabolism has started up again, slowly, but it has.
MY EXPERIENCE is that doctors, even good ones, are just following what they have been taught and don’t actually LOOK at the PERSON they are “treating”. If I were your mother or aunt or friend or advocate, I would ask these questions:
1) How does the protocol for PTSD differ from that of Anxiety, Depression, & OCD?
2) Isn’t it possible that the Anxiety, Depression, & OCD are not separate diagnoses, but rather symptoms of the PTSD?
3) Isn’t it possible that being placed on an anti-depressant can CREATE rather then “UNMASK” (hypo)mania? (You realize that the whole SSRI is just an unproven theory? If I can find the name of the book I read, I’ll post it for you). Are you BP or have you been caused to be BP due to wrong medication/dx?
4) Psychiatrists have little, if any, accountability in the effectiveness in treating their patients.
5) Psychiatrists and therapists make their money by extensive treatment. More visits=more money. If they make you well, they lose income.
If I were your friend and could sit down with you, I would start with the PTSD and go over the symptoms and tx opts. Instead of looking at each dx and saying, “Yeah, sounds like me” see how and where they DON’T FIT. Then you can begin to have a more meaningful and directed conversation with your doctors. If they pull that, “Well, I’m the one that went to Medical School” bullshit, find another doctor. You need someone who is an advocate and PARTNER in your care, not a dictator. If you are not part of the decision-making process, the likelihood of you adhering to their protocol(s) is slim anyway.
Seriously, Dude, give yourself a chance. Use that beautiful, analytical mind of yours and ask questions. Don’t be passive in your recovery or your life.
Being overly analytical can be a downside. I understand completely where you’re coming from because I’m analytical as well. Even though I’m depressed and have suicidal ideation, I still have hope because I know that I haven’t done *everything* there is to help myself. There is only me standing in the way. I think that’s the only thing keeping me going actually is the fact that I am keeping myself from happiness, nobody else is.
What would your ideal life look like? And what are the non-medication steps to get there?