All we can do is decide how we want to respond to the reality we perceive. We can’t change our past. We can’t choose the state our bodies are in. We can’t control the emotions we feel (no matter how many people try to insist otherwise.) We can’t control the society we live in or the planet we live on. We do not get a say in the laws of nature. But we can decide how we want to respond to all these things.
So, how do I want to respond? Right now, I just don’t know. I’m full of conflicting emotions.
A lot of sadness and regret. Almost to the extent that I wish this world didn’t exist sometimes. The sheer pity of it gets to me. I don’t know how anyone can be ok with it.
A huge dose of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. I should not exist. The world would be better off without me. There’s nothing I can do to make that right.
A lot of despair. Just a numb, empty hole inside. Nothing is significant, worthwhile, or meaningful. Life is terrible, and death is terrifying. Nothing is better, but everything is worse.
Massive amounts of fear. Death, injury, humiliation and rejection lie around every corner. Does everyone visualize car crashes multiple times on every journey? Or is it just me?
So much tiredness and exhaustion. I haven’t slept well for 5 years now. There’s nothing I can do to get my mind tranquil enough, so I only sleep when I’m too exhausted to stay awake. My conscience is not a clear one. I wish I could just knock myself out for a couple of decades. Maybe then I’d wake up with some energy.
There’s still some hope left in me, however delusional. Some of the time I want to fight on, at least while my family’s still alive. To try and find some way to redeem myself. So I can live with myself again. I want to help save the world.
A lot of the time I just want to drown it all out. Escape to a fantasy world where everything is easy and simple.
The pride in me still wants to try and build a ‘successful’ life, even if it’s only a front.
I don’t know how I want to respond to all of this. But in order to live, you have to decide. Getting out of bed is a decision. Leaving the house is a decision. Facing your anxiety is a decision. And every tiny thing seems like a mountain when you’re not really sure what you’re doing here.
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Yes, and all these decisions seem to take so much energy. Energy, if you’re like me, is well and truly spent.
Well, I just woke up from a night of doing incredibly stupid things. I’m feeling a little worse for wear. I had some leftover BP meds, so thought what the hell. My ex hates me now, so what do I have to lose? I’m 90% sure it won’t work, but maybe it’ll at least give me a nice sleep, washed down with some sleeping pills. Oh, and as much water as I could physically fit into my stomach. You can even have too much water, you know?
Well, all that happened was, I slept for maybe 2 hours. The rest of the night I was up every hour to go to the bathroom. Not a great use of time. Ugh.