Every time I get I reminder of who I am and what I’ve done, it drags me down into a pit of fear. In order to function to any extent, I have to push the knowledge back, and make it somehow unreal. I have to disassociate. But I can’t maintain that. Every day something will trigger the reality to suck me back down.
I don’t know how to be ok with that reality. I have no idea how anyone could be ok with it. So I can’t just put it to one side. It’s like a splinter in my mind, burrowing it’s way back to the surface. I can’t help but pick at it.
I want to be able to just ignore it and move on. But as I go through the motions of doing so, the fear dominates my experience of life. Nothing is rewarding or worthwhile or enjoyable. Everything is tainted, contaminated, ruined by this part of me.
I don’t know if it’s guilt, or shame, my conscience, or something else. Maybe it’s just the awareness that if anyone could know the truth of what goes through my mind, they’d be appalled. And though that knowledge doesn’t stop those thoughts, it is enough to make me feel deeply afraid, and troubled, and despairing. Because despite my thoughts and actions, I am not a sociopath. I want to be accepted. I want to be ok with my fellow man. I want to be part of the moral community. I want people to think well of me. I want to be able to form relationships that aren’t just lies based on a fictional version of me.
I’m not a sociopath. I’m just a really bad person. And being aware of that fact doesn’t stop me being a really bad person. So I’m trapped between the evil that I want (but can’t enjoy), and the fear that I can never escape. I’m not free to be the monster that I am, but neither can I find peace or any kind of social acceptance.
4 comments
Do you talk to anybody about this? It seems like it takes a lot of energy. I hope you find done serenity soon
No, there’s no one I can talk to about it. I’ve tried before but the shame just becomes overwhelming.
The only way you’ll be able to move past this, is if you make peace with that part of yourself. If you stop pushing it away, you’ll be able to better “work” on it. What you did is in the past, it’s done, you can’t do anything about it. You won’t achieve anything by dwelling on those things. You can, however, influence the future, and the present, by striving to become part of the “moral community”. Also, you’d maybe be surprised at how many people have similar things going through their mind, or worse. O, and if you haven’t already, maybe go talk to a therapist about this part of yourself. They are there to help you, and have seen some shit. So you don’t have to worry about “shocking” them.
Hi
In deep web you can talk about all those terrible things you want to do with people that wont judge you because they want to do the same.
Have you ever tried?
The real monsters are in deep web and there are lots of people who are doing the most horrible things and others just talking about their desires.
Try there!