I am a terrible person. That’s not hyperbole, or self-esteem issues. It’s just fact. The things I want from life are incredibly shallow and superficial, and when it becomes clear that I can’t have them, I want to give up. I don’t really care about anyone or anything. I don’t want to make the effort to get to know people, or build relationships. I don’t care. If it’s not going to lead to my incredibly narrow idea of what life should be, then fuck it. So all I’m doing by being here is making myself miserable.
But I hate the thought of my family finding out I was dead. They don’t deserve that. I tell myself I’ll stick around another 20 years or so until my folks have passed. But it’s so hard, being this nobody in the world. It’s like I’m a ghost, just passing through life. And I get to see everyone else being happy in the lives they’ve built for themselves. But I just don’t have the capacity for that in me. I’m so tired.