The End

It’s not often you start a document with “the end”, but that’s what this is.  My brain has long not functioned like a normal person’s brain should, in my opinion.  I’ve recognized this for many years, and while it pains me, I can’t control it.  I have lived a life of self-deprecation, doubt, and misery for a long time.  It’s not healthy for me, but it is even more unhealthy for my wife and kids, who deserve a better and more positive role model and leader.

As I write this, I am racking my demented brain for answers and/or reasons why I am the way I am.  Am I bi-polar?  Very well could be.  Am I simply a selfish, narcissistic prick?  Yeah.  Are these byproducts of head trauma?  Are these traits/behaviors the result of the sexual assault/molestation I endured many years ago?  Who knows?

I have reached a point, however, where it doesn’t matter anymore.  The cause is moot.  The origin is irrelevant.  The bottom line is, I’ve reached that point of no return.  My conscience weighs on me constantly.  The conscience of knowing I do not have any more emotional bandwidth, or desire, in my life.  I have resigned from my own family, both immediate and extended.  I have largely resigned from work, doing only the bare minimum to put food on the table, which has proven to be quite difficult.  I have zero desire to resolve these issues, since I know I’ll just come full circle right back to where I am in a year or two, and probably even deeper in despair.  I have long fantasized about going somewhere, alone, isolated, and separate from the world, but doing that, while intriguing, I know is not a realistic solution.  At least with suicide it’s final, it’s over.  Yes, it’s about as selfish as it can get, but going away, where I’m still alive and ignoring my responsibilities, is even more selfish, so I can’t/won’t do it.  I would perseverate about my kids and who is taking care of them, and what type of negative impact leaving has made on them, knowing I left with another desire in mind.  At least leaving via suicide doesn’t riddle them with the inferiority complex that they weren’t good enough.  Instead, the truth that their dad was a fucked up person should offer some consolation that it wasn’t them that was the problem.  It was his brain, his past, his life decisions that caused this.

To eliminate any sense of favoritism, and/or, so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings, I’m only addressing my immediate family below:

Kid #1, you are going to be fine in life.  I predict (and hope) you will be a passionate mother and wife, kind of like I wanted to be as a husband and dad.  You are searching for your identity now, but you will find it, 100%, I promise you that.  Just don’t get too down on yourself or others as you search, you must be patient as you figure out what and who you want to be.  You are a gorgeous, talented, and special young lady.  Don’t let anyone EVER tell you otherwise.  I love you.

Kid #2, my sweet girl.  You continue to amaze me with your discipline and steadfast ways.  You are going to be a very successful person in whatever you choose.  Your challenge is going to be staying positive and confident as you reach your ultimate destination.  I would LOVE to see you gain some confidence from your multitude of talents.  You deserve to be confident, which will make you happier.  One day, you will be where you’re wanting to, and when you do, the world will shine around you.  I love you.

Kid #3, hilarious, talented, prodigy KK!  Even through the tears of writing this letter you make me smile.  You are one of the most uniquely talented and well -rounded people I know, and you’re only 10!  You are going to have a great impact on the world.  You have all the ability to do anything and everything you want.  Your spirit and your attitude are both very rare and powerful.  You will go far in life.  I love you.

Wife, this is the hardest part.  You are one of the sweetest people on earth, period.  As a person, a mother, and a woman, there is no one better.  You, however, have drawn the short straw on a husband.  I tried for many years to force you to love me the way I wanted to be loved, but in the end, it just didn’t work.  I’m still confident there is a soul mate for you, someone better than me, someone who will love you the way you are willing and able to be loved, someone that will cherish you.  In the end, I wasn’t the right guy for you, and conversely, you weren’t the right girl for me.  This has been the single hardest facet of life for me to accept, that we were not soul mates.  Love is the pivot point of life, and I fucked it up.  All I can say is that I’m sorry for dragging you through this life the way I did, and I’m sorry I wasn’t the ideal husband and man you and the girls needed and deserved.  I’m comfortable leaving in this manner only because I trust you to raise our kids properly.  I know you won’t let them stray and without me in the way, I think it will actually be easier, emotionally.  I tend to bring out the worst in everyone, emotionally.  In addition, you have an excellent support system (church, mom, sister).  It takes a village, and I was always an inhibitor to that village mentality, so now it can be leveraged to its fullest potential.  You will need to lean on your mom, and it will be good for her, too, to be leaned on.  Finally, find a new (the) love in your life.  You deserve more and better in life, and you will have plenty of time to find and enjoy it.  Do not sit idly by, find the person you need…once you do, you’ll know it, I just don’t think you’ve ever known it.  You will, I promise.  Do NOT compare them to me…they don’t deserve that, and either do you.  Just love them and they will love you.  Start fresh, please.

Mom, Thank you for being a fanatical supporter of mine for my whole life.  You illustrated the ultimate loyalty for me and everyone.  You were there EVERY SINGLE TIME I needed anything, whether I accepted your help or not.  The bottom line is, you loved me as much as anyone on Earth, and I knew it all along.  Thank you for being there.

Dad, you are the best example of a father I’ve ever seen.  You are fiercely loyal, humble, disciplined, and a provider.  You were there every step of the way, never wavering and never flinching.  You are the ideal man and dad and I couldn’t have been given a better example to model my life after.  Unfortunately, I fell short, but it wasn’t your fault.  Thanks for being the best dad a person could want or need.

Oldest Sister, fuck off, read paragraph two above.

Next Sister, you and K have the marriage I wanted.  You have the unconditional love, intimacy, and fun that makes life worth living.  You are both lucky, and a very happy example of life.  I’m happy for you and proud of you for creating that environment.  Everywhere you go, people are happy around you, because you’re bubbly and nice.  Simply put, you’re a great woman, mom, and wife.

Brother, you are the best big brother and friend a guy can have.  You’re the guy people call (including me) to talk to because they know you won’t judge.  Your carefree mentality and zest for life makes you fun to be around.  You are the only person on Earth that knew about the other person in my life, and you didn’t judge me, at least to my face.  I always wanted to be like you, from when I was a little kid until now.  Please quit your fucking job and go do something fun and meaningful for the remainder of your life.  Do NOT wither away in corporate America….it’s sucking the life out of you and it’s not worth it.  I love you, man.

To all of you, or anyone else that wants to listen, here’s my final goodbye:

I wanted to live this life a certain way, or at least within the boundaries of certain parameters, but I couldn’t achieve that.  I have dug a hole that I’m unable to get out of, financially and emotionally.  I’ve changed careers, I’ve changed houses, I’ve changed nearly everything in my life, numerous times, it’s just not working.  I’m at a point where the changes don’t help. The changes have come to an end.  To change any more causes undue ridicule, questions, and judgment from the outsiders.  It’s too late.  Career-wise and relationship-wise, I’m in deep and I don’t see any way(s) out, without far-reaching impacts and collateral damage.  Yes, I understand the irony of suicide and collateral damage, but in reality, suicide is the least damaging impact in the long term.  While I’m sure some will find my absence to be challenging, it’s a short term pain that you will all get over, and forget about, in time.  The alternative of just leaving has much more negative, longer term impacts on people, particularly my kids.  This way out will be, ultimately, the best for all of you.

I apologize for my reclusiveness the past several months.  I have been emotionally unavailable and have not done a good job, at all, of fostering my relationships with you all.  You have probably seen it in my eyes and on my face.

I love you all, and just know that this selfish act is not an assault on you or my relationship with you, it’s me admitting failure and getting the hell out of the way before I destroy any more lives.