I want not to feel this anymore. I want the awareness to be gone. The anger and resentment. The self-hatred and disgust. The envy and jealousy . Regret. The feeling of inferiority. The incredible loneliness. The feeling that I should not exist. That the world would be better off without me. That there’s nothing for me here but pain. That I’m incapable of happiness, contentment, or peace. Despair. I want it all gone from my mind.
Unfortunately, that would mean eliminating myself. No thoughts, no feelings, sensations, awareness. No potential, possibilities, plans, or hopes. No self. Just another bunch of nutrients breaking down and becoming part of simpler organisms.
3 comments
Is it consciousness/awareness itself that you want to be rid of? Or just the negative emotions that come with it?
I suppose only the emotions that come with it. Though I can’t really imagine being aware without those emotions.
You don’t imagine that you could ever be aware without those emotions. That could be a reasonable conclusion. As much as I don’t want to admit it, that’s probably true for some people. But as someone told me very recently, depression can distort our reality. So you could be wrong.
I can’t say for certain, of course. I don’t know all the details. And I probably wouldn’t be able to make any judgements even if I did. But the possibility is there.