Wallowing in self-pity? Why yes, yes I am.

My ‘plan’ got me through yesterday without a complete breakdown (though I came close.) But waking up today it’s just … gone. I’m so full of longing and regret and despair. I’m struggling to find the motivation to do even basic self-care when none of it will ever amount to anything.

I don’t know if anyone deserves constant torment. Who’s to say. But I can say that I deserve the suffering that my mind causes itself. The things I’ve left out are unforgivable. There’s no way to make them ok. And while I’m not remorseless, I’m also not remorseful. There’s no way I can live with that kind of remorse, or accept it. Accepting it fully means admitting that I shouldn’t exist. So my survival instinct kicks in, and I return to denial. I return to being the person who can want those awful things.

I guess I meant that self-care will never get me to the point of being ok. So it kind of feels like why bother. Why even try to take care of any needs when there are fundamental ones that are always out of reach.

I think beyond a thing being socially unacceptable, it’s maybe a question of being able to forgive yourself. I just can’t, try as I might. I’m the person who has thought these things, and done these things, and still is this thing. And I can’t accept that. Maybe it’s pride. But part of me feels someone like that shouldn’t exist in the world. Or be ok. I feel like someone like that deserves everything he gets.

I think it depends what you mean by ‘monster’. There are definitely aspects of my personality that most would consider pretty evil & horrific. That like I said, shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the world. But I don’t think I’m a psychopath or a sociopath. As you said, I am capable of feeling sorry (at times.) If I am a monster, it would be of the Jekyll and Hyde variety.

As always, I appreciate your input. It’s more that my subconscious is always looking for ways to magically wipe away my guilt, so any discussion tends to lead to me dissecting comments for it.

I don’t think so. But looking back, I do have childhood memories of thoughts (and actions) that indicate that I would turn into this person. Things that were kind of messed up, though I didn’t think twice about them at the time. Over my teenage years, that gradually developed into identifying with that side of myself – to using it in some sense. I still wouldn’t say I was ‘unforgivable’ at that point, mostly because of how naive I was. But I was well on my way.

Then, around the age of 20 (almost exactly 9 years ago), I finally went beyond the point of no return. I had dropped out of college shortly beforehand (running from crippling social anxiety), and I had a lot of free time. I was pretty depressed, and scared about what I was going to do next. And to avoid facing that, I gave in to that part of me. It was the first time it was able to fully express itself. And it felt so good at the time.

But I remember sitting at the train station a few days later (it was the first time I’d seen anyone in weeks), and suddenly the realization of what I’d become really hit me. ‘Shit. That’s who I am now. I’m one of those people. I’m fully outside of society. I’m the bad guy in everyone else’s story. I’m a monster. There’s no way I can ever tell anyone about this.’

For a few weeks I tried to resist that – I told myself it’s not who I really was, deep down. That I was better than that. But it had a grip on me by then, and I caved to it. I became obsessed by it. Giving in to it became the only thing in my life that felt good.

But that good feeling never lasted. And now I knew what I was. And in between, I started asking myself why. Why would I, or anyone else, become this awful. And I became incredibly depressed about life.

This went on for several years, and eventually due to changing circumstances it became harder to continue to act as I had before. But although my actions today may be less unforgivable, the thoughts are still the same. That part of me is still as strong as ever. It’s just expressed in a slightly different way. And it wants to go back. And even though it’s been something like 3 years now, I know that given the right circumstances, I could revert really easily. I can feel it. I’m still that same unforgivable person.