Today I decided that tomorrow, I’ll be taking my 15 year old chihuahua to get euthanized. She can’t stand and soils herself. So I carefully and lovingly clean her and use a small syringe (without the needle) to give her some baby food and her pain medication. The bones sticking out from her sides tell a story I didn’t want to read for a long time. Her inevitable demise.
Today, my thoughts were filled with my 4 year old’s open heart surgery. I am unable to work because he is having major issues in school… They only keep him for 3 hrs every day. I’m his mom and I can’t manage sometimes so I understand what they’re going through. He also likes to accuse people of hitting him, including me and his teacher… but the one that got child protective services involved was him saying that his dad punched him in the stomach and slammed him. My boyfriend (his dad) rough houses with him and has NEVER injured him. It still doesn’t stop the acs worker from telling me that although I have a choice, if I choose incorrectly, I will be taken to court to determine if my child should be removed from my care. I took my son to the doctor the very next day to prove that hes alright. But the acs worker seems to think that he needs extra protection so the initial 30 day investigation has now turned into a 90 day one.
Today I weighed myself and amazingly didn’t give a shit what the scale said.
Today, my boyfriend picked up our son and gave me the bad news that he was horrible in school again. My boyfriend got so mad that he decided to take a walk outside to cool off… for 5 hours. I cried the entire time feeling a potent concoction of loneliness, frustration, and stress. When he came home, he fell asleep for the rest of the evening, leaving me to really get to know those feelings a little better. Then when he finally woke up… he joined me while I was in the bath. We sat silently for a while, then I looked up to realize he was falling asleep. I decided to get out. That woke him… but then he got dressed, asked me to do his hair (he has long hair and a very messed up hand) and went out… again. He’s not coming for a while. I already know. What I don’t know is if I’m okay with that. Sometimes I hate his mother effing guts and want to stab him. But sometimes, I love him. Fuck it all.
Today was not a very good day for me. Let alone the days that have passed this year. I want to get better but I don’t know how. People can give me all the advice in the world but it means nothing if I can’t start. I’ve been feeling a very disturbing feeling that nothing is real. Like I’m walking around in a dream. I really hope I can wake up soon.