… I will tell you guys a story…
a story of a 12 years old girl, after falling her last suicide attempt, say to herself:
“i cant do this… hurt them all like this, but… i NEED to end … all this.. ” and after thinking on all her plans, she notice a problem on them. She wasnt old enough to buy the pills, or to walk by herself without being missed or noticed. She couldnt find a place for herself.
Then she said:
“I will give myself some years, to my plan some time… i need to make it work, i need to make it right”
She didnt want her friends and her family to suffer, she wanted them to hate her, to despise her, but not to miss her, in any way. She knew that, if she could make they all hate her, they would smile at her funeral.
“twenty years old, its is enough, enough to know if i really hate life, enough to know myself, enough to make the path for my own death”
now im about to make twenty, i still fucking hate it, not my life, but being alive. Nothing changed… and the best/worst is, my plan is almost complete.
Should i do it on my birthday?
7 comments
Depends on your pain if it’s too lot to bear then make the best decision for yourself. After living for more than two decades I’ve decided that it is going to be me who’ll have to take that very scary decision wipe my ego just so i can end my pain. It’s a very tough decision.. but there’s some reason we feel its the right thing to actually do.
I’m not one to every say don’t do it. But I will say if you aren’t walking forward you aren’t giving yourself any chance. Walking forward I still have freedom to step off the cliff. I am walking forward and it may be towards the cliff, but I am still walking.
Sometimes I walk holding other’s hands, other times I walk plugged into music. But I walk.
No, I won’t say don’t do it, I will say continue moving forward while you decide the outcome.
i do have some things unfinished, some good byes, some letters, i still have 2 months to my birthday, and it feels like a mix of “FINALLY THIS SHIT IS OVER” and “OMG MY TIME IS ENDING”, it is melancholic and strange. but i kind of fell… relieved
walk? ive been crawling all my life, a slow and painful crawl.
Your avatar is lovely. Did you draw it yourself?
nope.
i do draw the majority of my avatars, but this one is from a game’s character that i love.
I’m also not one to talk someone into believing that life for life sakes is worth continuation.
I do wonder though if when someone gets to a place were they are going to kill them selves and have nothing to lose… that if that was true could they be fearless and instead of killing themselves reach for that one thing they truly hope to achieve.
I mean if there is nothing to lose and death is no longer feared but yearned for, why not drop all pretence and live life without that fear of life.
I’m suicidal, I have recourses, I dream or fantasize of living life fearlessly, but I don’t
I’m to afraid and I want to die. I’m not afraid of dying… so why don’t I live as if I wasn’t afraid of dying. If I really had nothing to lose why do I continue to be afraid of losing and afraid of losing living??
Because it’s not just about dying, it’s about ending the suffering we face and finding peace. And the only way some see that as possible is by taking their life, once we lose hope and do not see anything getting better death becomes attractive to us, we stop fearing it and start yearning for it. I remember when I was very young I use to get so afraid of dying now I look forward to the day when I get to finally sleep forever peaceful.