I just tried to hang myself. Clearly, given that I’m posting on here, it didn’t pan out. It was a profoundly strange experience, though.
I tied the rope to a towel hook on the bathroom door (bad call) and threw the slip knot over the door. Afterwards, I stood on a stool with the rope around my neck, experimenting. My cat watched me intently for a minute or two before sauntering off…
It hurt. I know that unconsciousness is swift but I’d be lying if I said that applying the pressure to my neck wasn’t painful. Because of that, I kept changing the placement of the rope, the padding around my neck, etc.
An hour of aggravating indecision later, I reached a point at which I kind of just stood there, light pressure still being applied, unsure of what to do. I have to die… yet Damn it. This is seriously uncomfortable.
I don’t even know what happened next. Maybe I blacked out before the fall due to the maintained pressure, or maybe I just fell suddenly, short-circuiting my brain. In any case, I heard a sound akin to that when you reverse a video, and saw a bunch of rolling, blurry colours. Then, I woke up a second later face down on the floor.
As if in a dramatic film scene, I lifted my head and stared straight ahead into my brother’s room (next to the bathroom) for another few seconds, totally disoriented, before proceeding to get up, hide the rope, and head downstairs, piecing together what the fuck just happened. I almost wish that I had caught the fall on video to see precisely what occurred and why.
I was very close to tears. I also nearly called my mother or 911 or something, but managed to fight off the urge. I’m not admitting myself to a psychiatric ward. Fuck that noise.
So, that was my experience. I didn’t want to hang myself from the swing set in my backyard because my neighbour almost saw me (even though it was late) but it looks like nothing indoors will work. Any suspension points that appear effective are usually too weak upon closer inspection.
As well, I keep finding random injuries that resulted. There are a few marks on my neck, nose, and cheek, along with a scrape on my calf. Ugh. I’m going to have to pretend that I fell down the stairs or something.
6 comments
I’m so sorry for this,
because it might sound insensitive,
but while reading this I found my self laughing as if watching some slapstick comedy, as you reciting each step, took me back years to my own attempt unfolding not much unlike this, I can still see the dumbfounded look on my face sitting on the floor “dafuq just happened”
you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed try and try try again till you bleed
Like I keep saying, if this is what you truly wish, then may peace be upon you,
But part of me still hope to log in and see a post from you in the days to come
Lmao. It’s okay! Humour is good. It was kind of silly, albeit trippy, how everything happened anyway, plus I’m glad that I made someone laugh.
Mind telling your story?
And I appreciate your words. I know the feeling of seeing someone no longer active and wondering where they went. It’s not fun.
well, back then, like 17 years ago now, jezz, getting old, I was done, just done with everything, so in a “brilliant” moment of spontaneity,
(because you know, the best laid plan to success is no plan at all),
I decide to take one of these cloth belt thingys, one of those braided type belts, not quite soft, not leather solid, but still sorta “square” in shape. First mistake
Then I use my room door, because that’s what was there. Which should be mentioned, apparently was the type made of this this cheap veneer style shit, meaning its basically hollow. Mistake #2
Now the upside to the belt being flat, means I could close the door no problem even if the belt was feed through the top and down to the coat hook on the outside. The downside to it being flat, and just soft enough, meant it could curl and twist.. which it did, which pinched like a mohterfucker, I’ve been bitten by a gorse and would rather try that again. Thats 3
Being “clever” as I were, with no prior research, or any thought to the matter than just acting on a whim of “this gotta be the best easiest and simplest painless way”.
I then also learn, being 6.1 tall, when standing flat, is not a good thing, because doors are fucking small. Welcome mistake #4
Now, dangling there in all my glory, looking like an idiot, trying to not give in to the reflexes of standing on my toes to fully loosen the grip, of what I might add was the shittiest “knot” for such a job
I now have to deal with a belt “knot”, which is not tight enough, or correctly directional enough, so it’s slides more up under my jaw than tight around my neck, a belt, that because its flat, yet soft enough, twist and curls with me every movement pinching the shit out of me, while its more intermittently crushing my esophagus than its cutting off the air completely much less the blood flow to the brain.
At this point as, I’m harking and spitting, gasping for air every 45secs I realize, this is not fun, this is not simple, this is not easy, and it’s not painless, as the metal clamp thingys along the belt, just in this moment decide to slide just that 1-2 millimeters where it really digs and cut in my jawbone
By some cosmic force I manage to just get limp enough, tired enough, that the struggle must finally seem over, snot, spit just hanging off my face, nice dribble of blood from scratches on my neck, and my nose too that burst a vessel.
I’m quite sure I must have looked like some rag doll that got his leash caught in an elevator going up, but only one floor so just enough to still be standing without head popping off, covered in some *** from the secretions of whatever child owned it.
I don’t know what happens, just that now it must be over, because, this has to be it, there is no fight, no reflexes or desperate spasms to try and reject what surely has to be coming now.
aaaaaaaand then. BLAMO!
turns out those shitty cheap veneer doors oddly are designed to handle fuck all weight. Que belt, with some 85kg dead weight, neatly carving a tiny path down the middle of the hollow door, stopping only as I land on my ass
Still quite freshly purple in the face as people ran down to see what all the commotion was about
Not quite fully regained all my mental cognitive functions as I’m hauled of to the psych ward for observation, happy days ahead
All that struggle, to be defeated by a shitty 4mill piece of veneer….
I just want to mention that I can personally go from not wanting to live to being thrilled to be alive in a space of… minutes, I guess? Depending on the circumstances.
Which is why I think it is a bit dangerous to treat a suicidal person as if they are of sound mind.
I really, really, really mean no offence, know that this is a comment by someone who was suicidal for maybe a decade and did make a semi-serious attenpt, and still feel despondent/suicidal at times.
It was really raw and interesting that you shared this. I so hope that you will find a way to carry on with your life instead of doing this.
I arrogantly feel that the two people I have known who committed suicide could have been helped, given time.
Take care :'(
I don’t think it’s so arrogant to feel that. It only becomes arrogant when one completely dismiss the possibility of death/suicide, if one still has room to see the compassion in ending the pain, it’s not that wrong to feel it.
I believe/think/feel that many of course can be helped, and many more so if they got they right help, but I also firmly believe that there are some that can’t,
either the “world” just doesn’t have the capacity for the “right” help for that person, or it’s doesn’t exist yet (if say in regard to medical illness), or the person has just given up to the point where the “I don’t want help” is too strong and can’t be helped
You could very well be right that there was help for the people you knew, but as long as you are not 100% dismissive, and not 110% “I know there is help, there is help for all”-attitude, then you are not arrogant in your thought and feeling.
I would call it quite compassionate of you to be that way, and I’m sorry they didn’t get the help they might have needed