November 23rd, 2016by away
I just tried to hang myself. Clearly, given that I’m posting on here, it didn’t pan out. It was a profoundly strange experience, though.
I tied the rope to a towel hook on the bathroom door (bad call) and threw the slip knot over the door. Afterwards, I stood on a stool with the rope around my neck, experimenting. My cat watched me intently for a minute or two before sauntering off…
It hurt. I know that unconsciousness is swift but I’d be lying if I said that applying the pressure to my neck wasn’t painful. Because of that, I kept changing the placement of the rope, the padding around my neck, etc.
An hour of aggravating indecision later, I reached a point at which I kind of just stood there, light pressure still being applied, unsure of what to do. I have to die… yet Damn it. This is seriously uncomfortable.
I don’t even know what happened next. Maybe I blacked out before the fall due to the maintained pressure, or maybe I just fell suddenly, short-circuiting my brain. In any case, I heard a sound akin to that when you reverse a video, and saw a bunch of rolling, blurry colours. Then, I woke up a second later face down on the floor.
As if in a dramatic film scene, I lifted my head and stared straight ahead into my brother’s room (next to the bathroom) for another few seconds, totally disoriented, before proceeding to get up, hide the rope, and head downstairs, piecing together what the fuck just happened. I almost wish that I had caught the fall on video to see precisely what occurred and why.
I was very close to tears. I also nearly called my mother or 911 or something, but managed to fight off the urge. I’m not admitting myself to a psychiatric ward. Fuck that noise.
So, that was my experience. I didn’t want to hang myself from the swing set in my backyard because my neighbour almost saw me (even though it was late) but it looks like nothing indoors will work. Any suspension points that appear effective are usually too weak upon closer inspection.
As well, I keep finding random injuries that resulted. There are a few marks on my neck, nose, and cheek, along with a scrape on my calf. Ugh. I’m going to have to pretend that I fell down the stairs or something.