Guilt/Shame/Other

I deserve this. But it doesn’t make it any easier to take. I don’t know how to live without hope. I’m just too selfish. I can’t seek all my purpose in the happiness of others. That’s what I should do. But the mind will not comply. It keeps asking ‘what’s in it for me?’ And there’s nothing real left in life for me anymore. I’m completely lost. I’m beyond redemption. Beyond connection.

There are very few things that are truly unforgivable. But once you cross that line, there’s no way back. It changes who you are. To everyone. To yourself. And there’s no way to make it ok. There’s nothing you can do. It’s who you are. And it’s not something that can or should be tolerated. It’s not compatible with anything good. You wouldn’t want anyone to accept it, because that would mean they’re even more fucked up than you are (and that doesn’t really seem possible).

So, life with all the good stripped out. Half-life. Seeing the real thing, and still wanting it, and being encouraged to go out and get it, while secretly knowing that it can’t actually work anymore. By any measure I’m getting off easy. But I still don’t know how to take it. How to live with it. How to not spend every day curled up in a ball crying. Maybe that would be the appropriate response. But probably not compatible with long term survival.

I should torture myself as much as possible, without letting anyone else know how miserable I am. But that would require moral motivation, which I clearly lack.

So I’ll keep on numbing my way through life, trying to forget the truth about myself. And then I’ll die, having never contributed anything to the world, or really connected with anyone. Seems fitting.