On the rare occasions I’m around other people for any length of time, I get consumed by a feeling that’s hard to describe. There’s a lot of sadness in there, along with regret, shame, and self-hatred. But also a kind of longing. It grips me, and pulls me out of whatever I’m doing. ‘Something must be done’, it insists. ‘Something has gone terribly wrong.’
But I know that there’s nothing to be done, except move forward. There’s no way to return to childhood, and change the decisions I made. This is not Groundhog Day. There are no do overs. Run the tape again, and I would make the exact same choices, because it’s who I was. It’s who I still am. There is no version of me who wasn’t dangerously sheltered and oversensitive. Who didn’t react to adversity by withdrawing from the world. Who didn’t let it twist them as a person. That is my past. There is no unpicking it. There is only future adaptation to it.
But still, time and time again, I get consumed by this distress. Seeing other people just living life. What’s that like? What’s it like not to hate yourself? To actually care about other people, rather than fearing them? To pursue your hopes and dreams without this constant sense of your own awfulness?
I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m missing out on something fundamental to life. The only thing that really matters. And I have to find some way to undo everything. So that I haven’t wasted all that time. So I’m not so twisted, and terrified of other people. So that I have social skills, or the ability to use them without being paralyzed by fear. So I’m a good person, who can be known, and accepted for who I am. So I don’t have to be ashamed anymore.
But that’s not how it works. No do overs. You adapt to the mess you’ve made. I may be able to lessen my anxiety somehow. I can practice my social skills more, and possibly become better at getting on with people. I can try to live a healthier lifestyle, and reduce the habits I’m ashamed of. I may even find my way to a career that can sustain me.
But I’ll still be me. There’ll still be this past behind me, and this mind dragging me back. I’m just causing myself needless distress. But I don’t know how to stop it.
4 comments
As I mentioned to ZombieGirl, I am reading this book on loneliness by John Cacioppo, and it is an eye-opener for me. I can relate to what you describe.
amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283
That sounds like a good introduction to some of the issues. I guess the question is whether you’re too far gone to reintegrate. For me, though I can recognize how lonely I am and how damaging it is for me, I can’t see an alternative.
Even when I’ve had ‘friends’, I’ve never been able to let my guard down, because I know they wouldn’t be able to accept the truth. So eventually we just drift apart. I suppose it all depends on what it is that’s separating you from other people, and whether it can be overcome.
I find that difficult too. Lots of people do. Why do you think we talk about such inane, safe topics?
People can be a lot more accepting than you might expect. There are those who have done the most horrific or embarrassing things, but still have people who love them.
The mind’s convictions can change reality. What you believe becomes real due to expectations.
Long delays can be overcome with hard, persistent work. Waiting builds anticipation but makes change no less necessary.
Self-flagellation is irresponsible, indulgent and unproductive.
Forgiveness is necessary for self-love.
Self-love is necessary to love others.
It’s up to you to know when enough time has passed to come clean and accept the past.
To forgive yourself.
And truly atone by changing.
just my 2 cents