It’s weird
There is absolutely no reason for me to be sad. I live a blessed live. I was born into a great family. I have a great girlfriend. I’m a very talented individual and excel in most categories. I don’t have any friends other than her but that’s okay because I work all hours of the week instead and I enjoy the work I do. Just anytime I get home, anytime any negative thing happens to me, I put a barrel in my mouth. I started doing it when I was about 8 years old. I would have a bad day at school and I would go home to the comfort of a cold blade on my skin. At that time, I don’t remember feeling the self-resent I feel now. I would put a knife to my throat, look at myself in the mirror, and everything would feel better. I never actually started hurting myself until Junior High. At which point I started putting loaded guns in my mouth for comfort. This escalated to the point to where I would do it even on good days. Although it heavily incorporated a factor of self hatred, it brightened my days like nothing else could. Looking in the mirror and repeating over and over things about how pathetic I am made me feel alive somehow. I still believe I’m worthless. Which is odd. I do acknowledge the fact that I’m blessed, have a future, and love life. Yet the moment I stop looking at life, and look at myself, suicide becomes my happy place. Seeing my name automatically makes me yearn for the end. If my girlfriend ever compliments me, I will start to cry and will lock myself in my room to resort to better things.
I’m a freshman in college now. I absolutely love college, finished my first semester with decent grades, and am leaving for home tomorrow. Tonight is the first night I’ve felt suicidal in a while. I suppose during college I’ve been so busy to actually stop and take a look at myself. I took my last final this morning and have spent the rest of the day making make-shift nooses or holding a blade to my throat. I realize my story is no where as bad as some of the ones on here. I acknowledge that I was born into a better situation than most, and have it easier than most everybody. I just don’t understand why I can’t even see my name without wanting to kill myself. I had to buy an electric razor, that way I could shave without looking at my face. I brush in a makeup mirror that way I only see my teeth and not my eyes. I’m not complaining, I’m not asking for your sympathy. Truth is after tonight I’m going to log off of this website and never log on again. I’m just here to tell you about how things are kind of weird for me. Thank you all.
5 comments
Sadness doesn’t descriminate.
I understand that. Just don’t feel like I should be feeling that way ya know
What Hazy said needs amplification.
Sadness doesn’t discriminate just like cancer doesn’t discriminate. People who get cancer are not at fault. People who get depressed aren’t at fault either. People that get cancer and the treatment doesn’t cure them are not at fault. People that are depressed and therapy or drugs doesn’t help them are not at fault either.
Cancer is easy. You know you are sick. Depression is pernicious. Half the time you don’t know if it’s even a “real” thing. Half the time you feel like it’s your fault.
Keep telling yourself your sadness is a real problem. Keep telling yourself it’s not your fault.
Well spoken SeeSmith. Anybody I’ve ever opened up to on the subject immediately deems me inept to depression on account of my circumstances. I realize what you are speaking holds true, just it’s easy to believe that it’s my fault for feeling that way.
Wolf, this is going to sound flakey but hear me out. I believe that you, like me, like another SP member “letmesleep” who killed himself, and like 2 other suicides I’ve traced to the same motive is the result of a phenomenon that astrologers call “Scorpius Draconis”.
And yes, I said the dirty word, astrology. But I’m approaching it as a scientist (graduate in physics) not as a witch doctor. I made a post about it back on Nov 13 if you want to see the pretty pictures. But essentially the gist is that we are born sitting on a powder keg. In some cases it is channeled into success. In other cases it turns on itself. And in some cases, both.
But it sounds like you have always been acquainted with death even before you had a reason to die. That’s the curse, or the blessing, depending on what you make of it.