December 16th, 2016by thewolf56
There is absolutely no reason for me to be sad. I live a blessed live. I was born into a great family. I have a great girlfriend. I’m a very talented individual and excel in most categories. I don’t have any friends other than her but that’s okay because I work all hours of the week instead and I enjoy the work I do. Just anytime I get home, anytime any negative thing happens to me, I put a barrel in my mouth. I started doing it when I was about 8 years old. I would have a bad day at school and I would go home to the comfort of a cold blade on my skin. At that time, I don’t remember feeling the self-resent I feel now. I would put a knife to my throat, look at myself in the mirror, and everything would feel better. I never actually started hurting myself until Junior High. At which point I started putting loaded guns in my mouth for comfort. This escalated to the point to where I would do it even on good days. Although it heavily incorporated a factor of self hatred, it brightened my days like nothing else could. Looking in the mirror and repeating over and over things about how pathetic I am made me feel alive somehow. I still believe I’m worthless. Which is odd. I do acknowledge the fact that I’m blessed, have a future, and love life. Yet the moment I stop looking at life, and look at myself, suicide becomes my happy place. Seeing my name automatically makes me yearn for the end. If my girlfriend ever compliments me, I will start to cry and will lock myself in my room to resort to better things.
I’m a freshman in college now. I absolutely love college, finished my first semester with decent grades, and am leaving for home tomorrow. Tonight is the first night I’ve felt suicidal in a while. I suppose during college I’ve been so busy to actually stop and take a look at myself. I took my last final this morning and have spent the rest of the day making make-shift nooses or holding a blade to my throat. I realize my story is no where as bad as some of the ones on here. I acknowledge that I was born into a better situation than most, and have it easier than most everybody. I just don’t understand why I can’t even see my name without wanting to kill myself. I had to buy an electric razor, that way I could shave without looking at my face. I brush in a makeup mirror that way I only see my teeth and not my eyes. I’m not complaining, I’m not asking for your sympathy. Truth is after tonight I’m going to log off of this website and never log on again. I’m just here to tell you about how things are kind of weird for me. Thank you all.