I’ve been in a psych hospital for 6 weeks now. Tried ECT for 4 weeks, but I got resistant to it, wasn’t getting good seizures, and it did nothing to improve my mood. Now that’s stopped, and one more medication was added to the mix, dexamphetamine. It’s giving me more energy, but it hasn’t changed the “colour” of my mood, just the intensity. I still feel sad, just more intensely so, whereas before I was totally flat. If anything it’s made me more suicidal, as I now have more drive to actually see my plans through.
There is a very strong sense that my suicide is both inevitable and imminent, I will just wait for a time a bit after Christmas – I really don’t want to do this to my family on Christmas. So, maybe another week, that will also give the latest medication change a chance to work. This way I can honestly say that I tried my best to fight it. One more week and then I’ll give myself permission to finally die.
It makes me sad. I would have liked to see my son get married (he got engaged this year) and have babies, would have loved to become a grandma. But my brain is just unable to feel joy and happiness, and I cannot continue to live like this, I simply can’t.
4 comments
Hearing everything ya saying. My brain’s maxed out, sensory overload. The brain was never supposed to take this much shit in at the same time. 95 percent of people have a normal functioning brain, the other 5 percent don’t, Unfortunately I’m in the 5 percent like quite a lot of others here.
Don’t know If I’ll wait till xmas tbh. I’d have liked to give my family a quiet holiday, but I’ll just need to wait and see how I feel later.
Hang in there Woody for at least a few more days.
I fully understand.
There are people in the world who do not respect that other people just need to end it.
That is the case for me. I am a miserable person and have always had more pain to bear
then I can handle. I have been locked up in Psych wards quite a few times and I am sick of it
I am sick of being a loser in life and not being able to handle life like most people
I was just born a real loser in life and I would like for it to be over soon
I hope you find peace
Hi there, SoVeryTired.
I’ve read some of your posts and your intro. I see such a warmhearted and kind person in you. You just haven’t been fortunate with the people you’ve encountered, esp. your partners/husbands.
I understand your concern for your kids, but if I may be blunt, they are now adults, and the burden of responsibility for them is definitely NOT on your shoulders. If they were 10 yrs old, I’d think differently. But, you CANNOT possibly take on the burden of their happiness.
It is already such a huge burden to be responsible for your own happiness, that you cannot possibly take on additional burdens for your sons, no matter how much you love them … that would NOT be fair to you. So, I guess my point is that, your decision whether/not to end your life should be divorced from thoughts of the consequences on them.
I know that this sounds cold, and I’m sure others will disagree, but I’ve done a lot of contemplation/reflection in my own life, and have determined that no person on this Earth deserves to be taking on burdens of the happiness of other adults … that is too much to expect.
If someday, I depart, I know that my parents will be devastated, but that will not factor into my decision, because I cannot be responsible for their happiness. It is TOO MUCH for me to take on !!! It is already too much for me to create my own happiness.
That said, if you feel strongly about seeing your oldest married and a father, maybe you could give yourself a year to have that experience ? I’m not saying that you should change your decision to depart. But, perhaps, that experience is worth just waiting for. You can certainly depart a year later.
As for the act of suicide itself, no one can deny that is solves problems … ALL of them and FOREVER. 100% guarantee of peace and resolution of problems. So, I’m not going to pretend that it’s not the right choice.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you eternal peace. I’m glad I got to read about your story.