Life is out there. And I want to live. In theory. But there’s been something holding me back, for so long now. Being around other people never feels right. I hate it. I feel so worthless. The worst person in the world. Something unpleasant on someone’s shoe. Like I’m just being tolerated because no one wants to be unkind.
And no amount of positive or rational thinking has ever really touched this feeling. Nothing ever feels right. I never really feel a connection. With anyone. There’s only ever the tantalizing hint of it, before it gets squashed.
Everything is artificial. Contrived. It’s all an effort to pretend that something is really meaningful, because it carries the superficial associations. I feel so utterly alone. And empty. Like I’m not even a real person.
What’s the purpose of a life spent feeling like this? Everything is exhausting when it seems pointless. Why get out of bed? All you’re really doing is trying to minimize or numb the negative feelings. There’s no actual living taking place here. Even when you make the effort, you’re just a spectator, or an actor, taking the place of someone really experiencing the moment.
15 comments
Hello, Husk. I have struggled with this myself but I have never been able to put it into words.
Hi, I’m sorry you feel similarly. I find it really hard to express the experience too. It’s too much to hold in my mind at once.
For me, you are the first person I’ve encountered who feel this way. Have you come across other people who feel the same?
People on here say they relate to my posts from time to time. But it’s hard to know whether what I’ve said really gets across anything specific about the way I feel, and which aspects of it they relate to.
What do you seek?
I suppose to feel a connection with another person. For anything to feel really meaningful or significant again. To be free of fear, even for a short time. To be able to experience life rather than holding it at a distance.
This is how I feel.
This is related to my latest post, too. It’s crazy how I’d be writing posts and feeling alone and then find someone who’s feeling the exact same way on here.
@redandpurple
I guess it’s possible to come to that kind of feeling from many different places.
I’ve read your posts the last few days, and it sounded like you have so much more hope than I can imagine for myself. Your voice is beautiful btw.
Is your inability to connect with others due to a bad experience in your past?
Perhaps. Or a series of bad experiences. Or maybe it’s just a fundamental part of my psychology. I don’t know. It’s been this way for so long that I can’t imagine it being any other way. My personality, and my past, all come together to make any interaction I have with other people feel shallow and unfulfilling.
In my own experience, I found that even if I were to somehow form a connection with someone this would not be sufficient to fix whatever is wrong with me. I feel trapped because I don’t hate nor love anything so I’m stuck with this strange feeling of nothingness. The way I cope with this is by overflowing myself with responsibilities such as work but lately, that also seems to not be enough.
I think in my mind if I could form a real connection with someone it wouldn’t necessarily ‘fix’ me, but maybe it would show that I wasn’t so completely broken to begin with.
If all the constraints and pressures of your life were removed, is there anything that you’d want?
That is what I originally thought, that is until I realise that If it didn’t fix me then wouldn’t that mean I would remain where I began?
I wish I really wanted something, so I could at least have something to live for but everything seems pointless.
It’s horrible not being able to connect to people. I know that feeling too well. The hollowness inside takes over and a connection might not necessarily make things good but i get that you feel it could possible help even a little. I get it, it’s so hard, i know.
What i can say is that you aren’t a worthless person and I bet there is someone out there who sees you for who you truly are and even enjoys having you around. Most people will not tolerate anyone if they don’t have to so they probably don’t think that. In most experiences you always feel as if you aren’t wanted when in fact you really are. I hope you find that connection someday soon, i really do.
I find myself in a similar position. I can’t relate nor connect to the great majority of people.
In my most authentic state, I am detached and uninterested . They all seem superficial to me.