Actually, make that 20. But I’ve spent the last 10 essentially hiding from the world. Sure, I’ve done bits of work. A fair amount of volunteering. A tiny bit of socializing. Even some education. But mostly, I’ve just been hiding in my room, trying to escape the way I feel about myself.
If you’ve dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of, you stop digging, right? I don’t want to waste another 10 feeling like this. But I can’t see how to move forward.
Now if I was older when I began my isolation, that might not be such an issue. I would already have the life experience I needed to function in the world, when I decided to reengage. But I was 19 when I dropped out of college. And to be honest, I spent large parts of the 10 years prior to that trying to hide as well.
Those were supposed to be my formative years. All the things you go through that make you who you are – that give you confidence as an adult. Imagine you just opted out of them, because you were too afraid to deal with your anxieties.
And now that period in my life is over. I’m supposed to be set up, ready to move on to the next stage. Everyone I know has stable careers, houses, spouses, cars, children. And I have nothing. While everyone else was diligently doing what they needed to make themselves ready, I put myself in stasis.
And I can’t see how to reengage, with life. Whenever I try the gap just seems unbridgeable. It’s like I’m acting out the part of an adult, with none of the backstory needed to deal with the complications life throws at you. I feel like I’ve fallen so far behind that now there’s no way to catch up. In many ways I’m emotionally/socially still a 9 year old, in the decaying body of a 29 year old.
It’s not even the big things. They’re theoretically solvable. It’s all the tiny little experiences that you accumulate over a lifetime, that gradually give you a sense of who you are. And there’s no way to fake that. I’ve tried. I’m good at bullshitting. But sooner or later, the cracks in your story show through, and people see what you are – a lost, pathetic, sad little child.
Now if I dedicate every minute of every day to it, for the rest of my life, I could probably catch up, to where I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Just in time for retirement and death.
Even in the best case scenario, my life is going to be like a sandwich without the filling – 9 years of infancy at the start, 9 years of dotage at the end, and a big empty gap where the meaningful bit is supposed to be. It’s hard to maintain the motivation for that. Pass me that spade: think I’ll just keep on digging.
11 comments
I feel you, I’m not as old as you but I agree, as you said, if you dig a whole you can’t climb out of why keep digging? People who say, “suicide is wrong, suicide is not the answer…” have obviously never been there themselves. They’ve probably never had to experience true suffering like we do. I know how horrible it feels to have so much weight on your shoulders, so much pressure, your told you need a house, wife, a family, a stable career, friends, an education, kids… one thing after another and it becomes overwhelming. I’m hoping I get cancer or something so I don’t have to kill myself, that way people at my funeral can say, “Oh blah blah he was so hopeful blah blah, he had such a bright future, poor guy blah blah.” when in reality I didn’t and they didn’t care either. I remember being a kid, couldn’t wait to grow up, what in the hell was I thinking back then?
Yep, if someone had told me at 9 that my best years were already over I’d have laughed in their face.
Someone actually did tell me that when I was 15, I was bragging at how I would be 16 soon and they said, “Yup, enjoy what you have left, your best years are coming to a close”. And I laughed. Little did I know how right they were…
Hey thehusk, I wanna read thoroughly and write a proper reply, but need to step away for the moment. Pls check back here later.
Thanks for the thought 🙂
Ok, the first thing I wanna tell you, my friend, is that I don’t waste time echoing other people’s thoughts or telling people what they want to hear. I give you my own unadulterated thoughts … nothing less or more.
When I read this post, what I see are signs of a thoughtful, introspective, and articulate person – all great qualities to have. And, when I read your paragraph about “acting out the part of an adult … not being able to deal with the complications of life”, chills ran down my spine coz I thought you were writing my story. On the level of human form, I feel like a 13 yr old kid myself. So, I really get it.
Like you surely did, I, for the longest time, tried to come up with an explanation of why I was “excluded” from all the good things that life has to offer … as you enumerated them … “stable careers, houses, spouses, cars, children”. And, it was really hard trying to figure that out. Upon countless years of painful reflection and fighting powerful emotions, eventually, what I came up with was this …
In a heavily conditioned (brainwashed) world, society sets very rigid expectations for people – how to look, how to feel, what to eat, what to say, what to wear, how to be “cool”, how to find a mate, how to get ahead in your career, how to be “respectable” in society, how to be “successful” … and of course, how to be a “failure”. There is no room for originality to emerge, be noticed, be respected if not approved of. It’s almost like the world is a factory churning out robots that are programmed to live life a certain way. The ones that don’t are “defective”.
For reasons that I couldn’t begin to articulate, some people are good at adapting to the rigid expectations of the world and conforming to them. Others are great at it, and some just can’t manage to do it. It stands to reason that it ultimately comes down to how we were conditioned by the world, from the very beginning, and perhaps, to some extent, our biological constitution – something innate, that we inherited (i.e. nature, not nurture). For instance, some people are prone to being more emotionally sensitive/expressive (Borderline Personality Disorder) simply because of their inherited genes.
Now, coming to a point we discussed yesterday … we know that we live in an almost entirely insane (unconscious) world, driven by the human ego. So, we are born into insanity, and we are raised by it. Then, we turn 30, and realize how empty and deadened this world really is. And, we realize that we were brainwashed by an insane world, and it’s time to undo that brainwashing. The world teaches us how to live a purely egocentric life … one that is full of suffering.
So, my friend, I think that what I’m trying to say is this – all those wonderful labels that the world bestows upon us – “loser”, “pathetic”, “outcast”, whatever … are just the result of a world that doesn’t know any better. People simply echo what they’ve been taught by the world – by their parents, school teachers, other kids, TV, the radio, now the internet, etc. Most people do not think for themselves; if they did, there would be a lot more room for originality, and NO ONE would be labeled a loser (in reality, no one is). People are resigned to being puppets of their conditioning and fail to realize that they’re actually so much more.
You are not a loser. You’re simply outside the social perimeter looking in. You think what you see inside that perimeter is a party, but it’s just chaos in disguise. You’re on a path of awakening … you wouldn’t see so much and so clearly if you weren’t. You’re right that something is terribly wrong, but you’re wrong about one thing – what’s wrong is not just within you. You just need a slight shift in perspective, that’s all.
As for moving ahead, …
What are your hobbies/interests ? What are you good at doing ? What can you do for a living ? What do you enjoy doing ?
What is the life you would like to have ? Not the life your parents/friends/the world think you should have … the one you want.
What matters to you ?
You can, someday, when you’re ready, decide that you accept the way the world is, understand and accept your past, realize what truly matters to you, set new goals, and build a new life for yourself.
It may not be in the shape or form you always wanted it, but the shape and form won’t matter when you realize how superficial it is to think of life in that way. Your deep unshakeable peace will make the (superficial) shape and form of life irrelevant.
Thank you for taking the time. There’s a lot of sense in what you say. I think most societies are less rigid than they used to be in terms of the expectations they impose, and there’s more space for originality now than in the past. Nevertheless, there are still some standards of conduct below which you’re deemed defective. But maybe that’s the only way society can function.
I absolutely agree that some are far better at adapting to these expectations than others. It’s often baffled me to see people instantly mould themselves to reflect the beliefs of those around them, seemingly without a second thought. I’ve always felt resistant to that process – it seemed wrong to me for some reason.
I wish I could just see the rest of the world as insane, and full of suffering. But I don’t believe that’s how it’s experienced, by those fully caught up in it. It may be chaotic, but it feels essential somehow. On some level, it’s what life is about. We’re social animals – we’re evolved for group think, conformity, living for others. It’s what seems to bring most a sense of contentment. Outside of that, life just feels empty.
I don’t think there’s any way out of ‘conditioning’. Every thought that passes through the brain is either a product of environmental/social influences, or genetic/evolutionary influences. Even becoming ‘conscious’ is just another kind of conditioning, brought about by conditions preceding that state. The only question is: which kind of conditioning produces a more desirable outcome? In other words, ‘a puppet is free only to the extent that it loves it’s strings.’
As I mentioned the other day, I have very few passions or interests that aren’t based on superficiality or ego. Most of the ‘enjoyment’ I do still experience comes from some kind of ego trip or other. Nothing really withstands the depression bought on by the recognition of it’s insignificance. Politics, history, philosophy – it’s all part of the same thought process. Most of my time is wasted on media of one kind or another – newspapers, podcasts, music, tv shows, video games.
I’ve never been confident about what I’m genuinely good at. I often think that I’d like to be a writer, but I’m not sure whether that’s just a conceit, and in any case I never have the energy or focus to stick with anything.
My work experience is all low skilled, and while I think I was a relatively good employee, I’m not sure I could go on doing that kind of thing my whole life without losing my shit with a customer/doing my back in.
It’s hard to imagine the life I’d like to have, because I don’t really fit into that life. That kind of life only makes sense with someone else in it, someone I don’t think I can become. I’m afraid what matters to me is just the superficial/conventional stuff. The problem is I’m unable to conform sufficiently to fit into that life.
Hey bud, thanks for the response. I see what you’re saying.
When I say that the world is insane, I’m NOT suggesting that you distance yourself from other people and live a solitary life. Absolutely not ! What I’m getting at is that we need to first step back and take in the bigger picture of why we suffer. Then, given that knowledge and understanding, change our lives for the better. The whole point of this discussion is positive change, not just bitching about an insane world. It’s recognizing the world as being insane, and then finding our place in it.
Yes, we look at other people, and they seem happy for the most part. I’m NOT saying there’s no happiness in other people’s lives. Of course there is ! All I’m saying is that we have been taught a very narrow definition of “happiness” and how/where to obtain it. And, we fail to realize that happiness is part of a polarity – happiness/sorrow … and that if you experience one extreme of the polarity, sooner or later, you will experience the other. And, there is no magic formula that guarantees more happiness than sorrow, although other so called “normal” people make it seem that way.
Consciousness is NOT a form of conditioning 🙂 It is primordial … it is pre-conditioning. It is what you were when you came out of your mother’s womb. That is why, when you look at an infant’s eyes, you see nothing but the light of consciousness. Yes, a baby cries at times, because its human form requires it to ask for food or a new diaper or protection from a parent. But, a baby will look at another with absolutely no judgment or labeling. It accepts people as they are. That’s pure consciousness, pre-conditioning. Same with animals who have not lived with humans for very long.
As far as thoughts, of course we will still have thoughts. The key is to not take every thought seriously. Think about what % of thoughts that go through your head are factual … how many are actually relevant to the present moment/situation ? If you think about it, most of the time, the mind uses us, instead of us using the mind. Scientists say that about 98% of thoughts are repetitive and useless. Being conscious does not mean being a vegetable with no brain/mind. It means being aware of thoughts and using the mind instead of being used BY the mind 🙂
Of course, we are social animals, and we need others. And, to some extent, the ego will play a part in our lives … but all I’m saying is that, if you can live your life from a deeper place and not get totally lost in your ego, you will see a depth and freshness in your life that the limited perspective of the ego could never have given you. When you interact with people, you will not see them as mere objects (which is how most human interaction normally works) … you will see the depth in them, beyond their outer appearance, what they do for work, how much they weigh, etc.
Absolutely, you should embrace the world and all the things in it. Being spiritual or being conscious does not mean sitting under a tree and meditating. It just means seeing the world from a wiser/more enlightened perspective and embracing the world the way it is.
So, again, I want to emphasize that everything we’ve discussed, is not with the goal of rejecting the world. It is quite the opposite – first understand the world, and then embrace it with a fresh perspective. Hope this makes sense.
You would be an excellent writer ! How a person writes is something I immediately and always notice – vocabulary, spelling, idioms, clarity/articulation, etc. And, your writing style is superlative. It is clear, grammatically flawless, and uses top notch vocabulary. I really mean this. On the internet, you’re probably at least in the 95th percentile. Most can’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re” or “too” and “to”.
I’m serious – start thinking about what it is you want to write. It could be an autobiography (why not – we’ve suffered so much, why not have something to show for it) … or based on something you know a lot about.
Thanks, that’s very kind of you 🙂 I will endeavor to at least begin working on ideas for a writing project, without crushing it with expectations, as I normally do. Obviously my scope is somewhat limited, given my lack of life experience, but it would be nice to simply enjoy crafting a narrative.
I agree that with happiness comes suffering, and that there is no guarantee that one will outweigh the other. But I do think that for most people, that is the case. And I think there are certain social norms that you have to conform to to be part of that.
Regarding conditioning, what I was trying to get at is that there’s no ‘pure self’, free from outside influence. Even the way newborn babies view the world, and the information about it that their minds take in, is shaped by the evolved genetic conditioning that formed their brains in the womb. From birth, their minds have already started to categorize – to put things in mental boxes, marked ‘important’ or ‘unimportant’. Humans don’t need to be trained to judge – it’s what we do, instinctively. Consciousness itself is shaped by evolutionary pressures, the need to survive. The only way information can be absorbed, experienced, is through a filter – with an agenda. Your brain is constantly deciding what information to pay attention to, at the expense of all other aspects of reality. Limitless information means no information, so I can’t see how unbiased consciousness could exist.
It’s not a case of ‘the mind using us’. The mind is us, whether we’re meditating or high or anything in between! Being ‘aware of a thought’ is itself a thought! It may be a more helpful form of thought, but it’s still a product of the same brain, generated by how that brain has been conditioned.
Anyway, sorry to keep harping on this point. It’s one of my bugbears when it comes to discussions around ‘enlightenment’. I’m all for trying to see the bigger picture, questioning certain patterns of thought, greater self-awareness, understanding the world and embracing it with a fresh perspective.
I suspect we have fairly incompatible views when it comes to what consciousness/the mind is, on a fundamental level, but you have inspired me to question the helpfulness of many of the values I take on from the society around me 🙂
That’s cool. You’re right – our views are incompatible, and that’s perfectly ok. There’s really no point in continuing to debate something after a certain point, and I think that point has been reached 🙂
In any case, you’re a sharp guy, and I’m sure you will figure life out, one way or another.
The fewer expectations you have, even of yourself, the harder you will be to disappoint 😉
Cheers!