Drinking during the day – not normally a good sign. But this time, it gave me a brief sense of peace. Usually, alcohol just makes me tired, or queasy, or both. But for whatever reason, this one time, it gave me that sense of distance I’m subconsciously looking for whenever I drink. It’s wearing off now, but for a couple of hours, I remembered what it was like to experience the world without this nagging anxiety drowning out everything.
It’s not like all my problems just disappeared, and I was still vaguely aware of all the ways I’m fucked. But for a short while, I had enough distance not to care as much. I could enjoy a book without being irritated that the plot wasn’t going anywhere important. I could enjoy food without my mind being elsewhere, racing to look for solutions to my problems. I could get on with chores without my anxiety nagging me that I should be doing something more significant.
It made me realize just how strong that part of my mind is. It’s a kind of hyper-awareness. The part that you use to analyse, think verbally, write, argue. That part of me is nearly always engaged to a ridiculous extent, desperately looking for solutions. My brain is in a near permanent state of crisis. And I like it that way.
It’s not that I enjoy it. I spend a lot of time and effort trying to drown it out or divert it. But over the years that part of me has developed to such an extent that it’s the driving force of my personality. A lot of the time, it is what’s in charge.
For most people, anxiety is a temporary state. That part of their brains is engaged in certain stressful circumstances, and then it gets tuned down. But with me, anxiety is the default. I wake up, worry, and then keep worrying until my brain can’t keep it up and I fall asleep. If I’m not thinking deeply about something, analyzing it, looking for solutions, then something is wrong. That part of me takes up so much energy, there’s not enough left for the rest.
This really drove it home to me that this is an illness. The human brain isn’t evolved to operate like that – in a constant state of crisis. It’s not meant to be hyper-aware so much of the time. It drains necessary resources from the rest of the body. It’s literally making me ill. But it’s not something that I can control. It’s what my mind wants to do. That is the part of me in the driving seat. Any attempts to alleviate anxiety are channeled through it. Reasoning with it doesn’t work, because reasoning only engages it more. Looking for help is done using it, so no help can actually work.
In a few hours I will deny all of this, and will be back riding a wave of thought, convinced that if I just give it enough mental dedication I will figure out a solution to all of my problems.
3 comments
Wow I never imagined someone’s brain would be filled with so much anxiety like mine let me know if you find a solution to get rid of the anxiety.
We’ve already discussed this subject in depth, so I hope that you won’t throw tom-ahh-toes at me.
Einstein said, “A problem cannot be solved on the same level of thinking that created the problem.” The word “thinking” here can be substituted by the word … here it comes again … (I brace myself for your tom-ahh-toes) … “consciousness”.
In other words, if it is your overactive brain that is creating all this anxiety, via an endless thought stream, you cannot use that same overactive brain to solve the problem. You need to distance yourself from those thoughts … not take them seriously. The brain is like a gland … instead of hormones, it secretes thoughts. When you are no longer lost in thinking, what are you ? Conscious, present. The thoughts then pass by like fallen leaves in a stream. You can watch them, and let them pass by.
True intelligence is not using the mind to solve problems. It’s knowing when to shut the mind off, so fewer problems are created 🙂
(I’m still hiding)
That said, ain’t nothing like the feeling of a blood alcohol level of 0.04. That was my escape too … till I could no longer scramble enough money for a loaf of bread.