I don’t want to be this anymore. It hurts so much, seeing life pass me by, knowing that I can’t connect. Seeing how good things could be, if only I wasn’t so twisted.
Every time I see something I want from life, I get a little rush. My brain tells me ‘Yes! That’s what we need!’ And then the despair overwhelms me as I realize ‘No. It can’t work. That life is not for me.’
So I’m left trying to invest meaning in the hollow addictive cycles I’ve developed. Trying to numb myself to the pain of it. The regret. The self-hatred. The despair.
And just when I’ve managed to sufficiently numb myself to become resigned to the day to day business of living, I get a little reminder ‘Hey, remember this essential thing that you felt you needed? That makes life actually worth living rather than just an effort in endurance? Yeah, you still can’t have it. But look, isn’t it great!’
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Since we follow conflicting ideologies, I will try to put this in terms you can relate to and apply.
I don’t know much about success in the egoic world, so I’m going to stick to fundamentals. In my own life, whenever I wanted to see change, I had to take action … often action that was almost unbearable and required crossing some almighty obstacles. Unless you are willing to wait for better times to come knocking at your door, the prerequisite for change is some action on your part.
If anything is obvious, it’s that you want/need change in your life. What’s also obvious is that some force(s) is/are stopping you from taking action to bring about that change. You seem to be in a limbo of sorts.
Have you identified your obstacles ? Is it possible that some of them are only within the confines of your mind ? The mind is capable of imagining some pretty scary (and fictional) things … otherwise, we wouldn’t have Sci-Fi movies.
What do you want out of this life ?
I have identified my obstacles. I don’t want to spell them out – there’s too much shame, guilt, and fear there. But if it was something I could talk about, then it wouldn’t be such an issue.
I wish they were only in my own mind. In a sense they are: if I didn’t know what I know, about the things I’ve done, then it wouldn’t be a problem. And I’m able to push that knowledge back to some extent, and pretend that the guilt isn’t there. But short of wiping my memory, it will always resurface. The knowledge of what divides me from other people will always be there. I want so badly to believe that it’s not such a big deal – that someone could just shrug it off. But it constantly gets reaffirmed by the world around me – that some things are terrible and just unacceptable.
Beyond all the normal egoic things that I want from life, what I really want is to feel a genuine connection with someone again. And I can’t do that, because there’s always the knowledge that if they knew the truth about what I’ve done, and what I am, they would have to reject me. So any relationship I form is based on an unforgivable deception – and I’m not able to feel that sense of connection from it. It’s a lie.
It is within my mind, in terms of the effects – but I can’t see any way round it, given how the mind works.
Husk, it sounds like you’re going about your life trying to make the best of it, and suddenly you see that light, that beauty that seems to be missing. It’s close enough to see and hear and smell but it’s across some great divide and you just don’t know how to bridge that distance: the resources and the know-how seem to be lacking and all you can do is look across to what you do not have.
Keep moving, viewing it from a different vantage point may give you inspiration to formulate the vision of pursuing and embracing your heart’s desire. I hope you get it!
I like how you put that. Yes, it’s very much what it feels like. So close yet impossibly far.
I guess it’s hard to keep moving when you have no real hope, but I’ll try. Thank you.