I wish I hadn’t let myself get so fucked up. I wish the world wasn’t so fucked up
It could have been good. I could have been good. I still believe that. A few different variables, a few small decisions, and I might not have ended up here, twisted beyond belief. I hate what I am, but I can’t go back. It’s disgusting, but I can’t close this door I’ve opened in my mind. I can’t stop picking at it in fascination. I can’t overcome this part of myself. It’s too strong, and it will always find a way back in control.
I don’t want to be this anymore. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to know what I know, have done what I’ve done, have seen what I’ve seen.
I’m so tired of having to suppress it. Of having to check my thoughts and go: ‘no wait, that’s super fucked up.’
There are no do overs. But I don’t want to be this compromised shell of a human being anymore.
I just want it all to stop. I want to go to sleep, and wake up and find it was all a horrible nightmare. But if that’s not an option, then maybe I need to find some other way to put an end to this cancer in my mind.
11 comments
2 small cents …
We all think of things we could/should/would have done differently. Few of us fail to realize that we *always* make the best decision possible, given the information available to us at the time, which includes our frame of mind at the time. If, in reality, there are 10 options, but you’re upset and emotional, you may only see 2 of those options, and you’ll pick the better of the two options. Later, you may see all 10 options, without realizing that at the time the decision was made, you had limited information (2 options).
No one consciously decides to make a bad decision, knowing that it will hurt them in the future. It is only when we later analyze past decisions that we, perhaps (not always), have more information available, and see something wrong with those decisions.
So, there is no such thing as a mistake, which also means that regret is irrational … and a waste of time and energy 😉
There is a huge amount of peace and liberation to be had in realizing that there is an infinitude of things in this life and in this world that you cannot control. You can sometimes have an influence on another person or situation, but realize you have no control. Control of others and of life, is an illusion that causes too much unnecessary suffering. I would say that you can control your level of consciousness, but wait, you don’t believe in that stuff, so I take it back 😉
^ Errata – Most* of us fail to realize
Sure, we all make the choices we make for whatever reasons we have at the time. But it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. I can’t stand what I’ve done, and what I am, and what I know I’ll do again.
I can sometimes see what’s wrong with my actions, but it doesn’t stop me forgetting and doing it again and again. I can’t be this person anymore. And I don’t think I can change it.
I understand. But, I assume that you are able to see that dwelling on past mistakes doesn’t fix them, because they already happened and cannot be undone … right ? Also, dwelling on past mistakes doesn’t improve your present moment … right ? It will likely not improve your future, either. So, what is it that motivates you to dwell on past mistakes ?
You can learn from the past, sure. Then, you can put it aside, no ? Or, do you need to keep reliving it ?
Remember – no one … no one … is going to take away your right to suffer. You may passionately defend your right to suffer … “But, these dreadful things have happened to me. Of course, I’m miserable.” Yes, you can suffer for as long as you want to 🙂 No authority can take that right away. So, don’t worry about that. If you want to suffer, you absolutely can. I’m talking to you because I’m seeing and considering an alternative here.
Do you see the insanity in believing the tape recorder playing in a loop in your head ? It is not seen as insane, because the mind is unconditionally worshiped in our culture.
That tape recorder keeps telling you that you are defective and that your “mistakes” are unforgivable or whatever else. Once in a blue moon, the recorder says something that is important. If it is, fine, listen to it. Just know that it keeps playing irrelevant shit most of the time.
If you have a specific present-moment need to listen to something important on the recorder, seek the tape to that section, and play it and listen to it. But, what is to be gained from listening to a random tape being played all the time in a loop ? And why do you need to make it relevant to the present moment when it’s not ?
The simplicity of the present moment is that you are sitting in front of your computer/phone, you’re breathing, you’re typing. Chances are, you’re comfortable in a chair/bed, and your life is not being threatened. Maybe something needs to be planned for tomorrow or the coming week … maybe not. If there is a problem to be solved, but nothing can be done about it, it’s no longer a problem !
I know dwelling on mistakes doesn’t fix them. But I can’t stop. The emotional compulsion is too strong. It’s like it’s the only way to make sense of my reality.
I suppose the idea is that if I dwell on it enough, then I can really stop myself from doing it again. Even though I’ve proved to myself that won’t work. But like I said, the compulsion is too strong.
It’s like I don’t really learn from the past, however much I try to explain it to myself. The only way to remind myself is to constantly relive it, and sooner or later a part of me will just say ‘fuck that shit’ and ignore the message entirely.
I can’t not suffer. I just can’t. Because then I could become so much worse. Inflicting suffering on myself is the only way to put limits on that side of me. I want to not suffer. But only once this side of me is no longer an issue. Otherwise not suffering would mean I effectively have no conscience. I’m looking for any excuse to go off the rails.
The tape playing on a loop is all I have. And yes, it’s insane. But to me, unfortunately, it also makes perfect sense. It feels like the only thing that matters. I can’t ignore that. It’s not about the present, or tomorrow, or next week. It’s about the totality of my life. That’s how important it feels.
I’m sorry if what I’m saying doesn’t make much sense. Today I crossed a line I’d drawn for myself, for the first time in four years. The tiny sense of self-control that I’d built up over that time from telling myself that I wouldn’t do it again evaporated. It’d been coming for a while, and at first it felt like a relief. And then it didn’t, and I remembered why I drew that line in the first place. But I know that lesson won’t stick, and sooner or later I’ll want to do it again. And every time it reinforces how much I hate what I am, and how fucked up and sad the world is. It’s past 4.30am here, so I’m not exactly thinking straight.
I understand, my friend. And, it does make perfect sense, probably because I’ve traversed that same path myself.
Maybe I’m just holding on to this hope that things can change for you because what I see in you is a young man with a lot of potential and a conscience. Potential that seems to be being put to waste. I see this just from what you write.
Being in my shoes for a moment … on the one hand, I know, firsthand, that change is possible for you, and what it takes to get there. But, on the other hand, I also know that you need to see the truth for yourself; nothing I or anyone else does is going to make you see it. So, I feel like I’m in kind of a dilemma. I also feel like we’re an ocean apart (which is at least physically/geographically true), and wish that I could bridge the gap.
You writing here makes me think that you do see some other way to be – you comments do as well.
I think of depression as a parasite that lives in the soul/psyche/… and changes one’s behaviour to make sure it can survive. Anything that may break your loop of selfloathing is a threat, and as such it must be denied for the parasite to keep its hold over you.
Talk to someone that will walk with you to a counsellor – make it a quick decision that you cannot back out of, then yu can find some antidote.
Keep writing here, let us know how you feel.
Supressing memories isn’t effective, it reminds me of the Wegner’s White Bear experiment which observed conscious thought suppression.
There is inherent malleability in our thoughts, they’re continually shaped through environment which makes them fluid and capable of responding to new stimuli, cognitive distortions often taint our perception where we see only a continuation of our reality, objectively it’s not so, we have only become a product of our experiences, alter them and outlook will alter too.
We have some input, although forcing a shift in perception is not natural, our perception comes from our senses so a gradual progression through exposure makes more sense.
Focus must remain on the present, we can’t alter the past (although we can learn from it) or directly control the future. A mind set in anything but the present will result in negative emotions.
Influence exposure an it will influence thought.
I don’t think I made mistakes exactly. I don’t think I could have done it so differently. I think fate just went against me here. If there are parallel universes then I think most of my parallel self’s might be doing well, damn them..
This is an interesting discussion that relates to what I am currently going through.
Most of the time, I struggle, trying to be separate from my true nature; what I refer to as the darkness in me.
It is the embodiment of amorality. On one hand, I able to sacrifice myself for others and give them more than most people would and on the other hand, I can watch somebody endure the most atrocious suffering without the slightest bit of emotion or compassion.
What I said doesn’t even do justice to what I am trying to say. I am close to unhinged in terms of rules and morality. The worse is that at the source of all this, there is no malicious intent at all.